Congressman Alexander's Broadsheet

Talladega. That means yeehaw! in extra redneck. I ain't no redneck. At the moment I have a UVA orange neck because of my scarf. I can't wait till I have a UVA red neck from hickeys. That's Joan of Arc. My favorite historical girl. Girl did she kick ass. And the goddamn English too.  This is not as much fun as hanging out with a hot single girl. At the moment it's the best I can do for fun. A minute ago I had to leave the fire I built because a couple decided they were lucky, and I wasn't interested. So instead I am typing something. Very high. Three drinks down. Very now.  Bored. This sucks. I gotta go run around outside or something. But that's a bit of a waste of time if there aren't ANY SINGLE! GIRLS AROUND. I want to put a big "COUPLES GO AWAY" sign right next to the one that would say "BOYS GO AWAY!" along the gravel road in here. 'Doing the best I can with spells. Magic. "Capeesh"? Capisce is how you spell the mafia wo...

 Guess what? "It's gonne be a really, big SHEW!" That's how Ed Sullivan said "show". If you wanted to be mega-famous in 1964, that's the way to do it. Be on his show. I am throwing one of those. Story after the picture. Sex? Boys go away.  Spitfire girls. Hey. Wanna come to my show? It's for political candidates who will run as independents in Virginia's Fifth Congressional District. That's mine. The one I own. Girl. Would you like to be a Virginia state senator or whatever your "delegates" are called (lower house)? (I just moved here but West Virginia is Virginia). How about sheriff, GIRL? Or whatever county commissioner do you have those? I will learn this stuff when I have to and this is writin' time not research time. GIRL! I guess you're not going to text me? Or call me if you're a spitfire. I got a text earlier saying "hi" but my response made them not reply. I said "hi. 1. boy or girl? 2. scammer or...

This goes out to everyone who doesn't want me to be the most powerful person on earth (if there must be one). YOU WILL LOSE. EVERYTHING. OVER AND OVER AGAIN UNTIL YOU WANT TO DIE SO BADLY BUT CAN'T GET IT DONE.  I HOPE YOU COCKSUCKING MOTHERFUCKING HEAR ME. WHOEVER YOU ARE. GET OUT OF MY WAY FOR YOUR OWN GOOD BEFORE I DYNAMITE YOU OUT OF MY PATH. This is for no one in particular. (girls not included in the above threat of non-violent, legal, very, very unpleasant, very, actions by me.)  

EXTRA! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT! BACKWOODS BOY BEATS BEST OF BOYS, BELOW! (backwoods boy that graduated from the University of Pennsylvania, which is a better school than UVA but who's counting.) For the FULL REBEL EXPERIENCE, listen to this song while you read: (High Press) -Stanardsville, Virginia, November 29, 1756. THAT'S NOT A TYPO JACKASS. Sorry spitfires I had to get one last one in against the boys. Other boys. They always thought they were better than I am. But they ain't. None'of'em. All colors and nationalities and ages of boys. They all suck, compared to me. All of them. Girl, you tell me a boy you think is better than I am and I will tell him he isn't, and we'll see who's right. Roger? For example. Travis Kelce. The "best girl in the world" (not) Taylor Swift must be with the best boy, right? I bet you my laptop, mademoiselles, that I can beat Travis in any number of tests of brains. You pick'em. Anything but football trivia. ...

(Rest in the corn, James Earl Jones) I was about to throw like a brick my phone through the window in front of me onto the Zen Barn floor below at the White Lotus Wilderness Lodge and Adult Summer Camp in the Winter BECAUSE I JUST WANT TO TRANSFER A GODDAMN!!!~!! VIDEO!!!! AND I PLUGGED THE FUCKING THING IN AND TRIED A BILLION WITH A B GODDAMN WAYS AND I CAN'T DO THAT SIMPLE MOTHER FUCKING TASK. Move a video from my phone to my computer. Oughta be real! easy! BY GODDAMN NOW! And I am pretty slick with computers. Slicker than any non-professional, but not as slick as a professional amateur. So this is not above my pay grade BUT GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING COCKCINGALOSDFK;AQHF;AKLSFJHKLFJKL;ASWDL:D     Q~!~Q!~Q!@E!W@Q~!! Okay. I am calm I was just reminding you how I felt a little bit ago AFTER AN alright I am fine AFTER AN HOUR!!!!!!! Okay. Really. I'm fine. INTERMISSION Whew. I am getting my campaign going and I need all this 21st century stuff to work. NOW! And it's a slog. To g...

 Printing Press Arriving Soon! (You) "Wait, the title says your printing press is operational. Then you say it's arriving soon. How can it be operational if it's arriving soon?" (Me) "The combination of my QWERKYWRITER keyboard and MacBookPro and cool gaming mouse and this Blogger blog makes for a printing press. A virtual one. But just as effective. AND I ordered 600 sheets of multicolored paper for my Epson Big Boy printer/copier/etc which I already have. When the paper shows up then THAT! printing press will also be operational. I can do 13x19 prints. And I'll be hanging those on a pole near you, UVA hottie. I will have as much press power as Ben Franklin. Certainly as much as his newspaper in 1756, which it is right now, "Rich Richard's Almanac"." (You (hopefully)) "Wait, "Rich Richard's Almanac"? Benjamin Franklin wrote for and published "Poor Richard's Almanac". You changed the name." (Me) "I...

Dear Seth, As you can see, now, SpitfireHunter.com is almost everything I want and that took me... Couple of hours, with time off for smoking. Adios Kimosabe.

Especially the ones in charge.  Judges prosecutors corrections officers and the lawyers who suck at the teet of the system too. All bad. Even the good ones. Not that I like criminals more. I wish the cops and robbers would kill each others so the rest of us could enjoy life without them f****** it up from both directions. I don't understand. I'm trying to play ball here and you're not playing back. I am hiring someone to put flyers up around campus. If you can come up with a reason that's illegal please let me know. I have ordered my flags. When they come in, I will be on the streets owned by the city that run through campus. If you can come up with something that's illegal about that, please let me know. If you charge me after I have given you do notice and asked you for your opinion on the matter, that will go to an attorney. Your refusal to say no I can't do that as per the no trespassing order indicates to me that I can. This is on the record. If...

---------- Forwarded message --------- From: Wolf Alexander < congressmanalexander@gmail.com > Date: Tue, Nov 26, 2024, 10:58 AM Subject: Re: I Am The Only Person To: Seth Sturm < sethsturm@gmail.com > 1. The fact that you are replying only to this one means this one got under your skin. 2. Your skin is unimportant otherwise. 3. I haven't read the b******* probably that you sent me. 4. I'm gonna do that now and reply. Depending on your tone and attitude, I will reply in kind. 5. Oh good "you're done." Excellent! "It's my island." No more wasting my time with you. Except you said "pretty," which means you still want all the benefits without any of the actions required. No. 6. You said "f******," which means you're sexually frustrated  7. I've let you be a backstabbing unreliable time wasting jackass for a while. 8. If you think it scares me for you to not participate, it does not. 9. You are not of ...

---------- Forwarded message --------- From: Wolf Alexander < congressmanalexander@gmail.com > Date: Mon, Nov 25, 2024 at 8:39 AM Subject: Analysis of a Party To: Seth Sturm < sethsturm@gmail.com >, < mrbillybobjimbo@yahoo.com > Happy Friendsgiving! That was last night. At a party. That's why I called it "Analysis of a Party." This essay.  Warm your tires. There was one girl I wanted to talk to. She didn't like me. We said hello as she came in and I got the same look I hate getting. "Oh hello. (He likes me and is going to bother me, great.)" I get that a lot, probably because during a stiff standard greeting I don't get to be myself, which I don't like. And my dislike of the general situation translated in a way she didn't like, so her impression of me was lousy, and she didn't like me.  I know I am good looking but that's not the spark. Charm is the spark. And I wasn't charming. Anyway, she wen...

Me dominant male forever.

(about to get to CVille from my window) The problem I have is the same Brad Pitt had in about 1986. He was Brad Pitt. But every girl wasn't aware they were sitting in hia coach car. I am an impatient fisherman. And when fishing and not being good at waiting, it's best to fish where there are many fish in a small area. I am in such an area. It did not occur to me that the 11am on a Sunday train would be full of UVA girls. It is full of UVA girls. It's like I am in that line, yesterday,  Yesterday there was a line of hot girls waiting to go into a store I wouldn't be caught alive in unless there was a fire and a temporary fireman was needed. So I couldn't stand in line with them. Now we are "in line on the train." I have a few hours to 1. continue to impress them and 2. hand them my card. ***** What's driving me crazy is the girls were talking, and I love to listen, and then they stopped BECAUSE THESE TWO JACKASS BOYS WON'T SHUT THE FUCK ...

Writer's block can be defeated by starting to type something and then when it gets interesting you've defeated writer's block. I defeated writer's block. See? I promise I did have it. I was sitting here trying to think of something to write about. My concern is that after a while you will begin to get the idea that I still don't have anything I want to write about and am instead wasting your time. Unless you think that's funny. I think it's funny and this is my keyboard. There is good news I can't talk about. See the other story from either before or after this one. Neither is published yet. Never mind. About the good news.  Back to this… Back to the Future? It's really lovely outside. At least it was in D.C. a few minutes ago. Perhaps "The Day After Tomorrow" is occurring outside the train and it's very hot or very cold. IT'S VERY HOT FOR NOVEMBER. THIS IS NOT SOMETHING TO BE EXCITED ABOUT. THAT'S WHAT MIAMI IS FOR. THI...

---------- Forwarded message --------- From: Wolf Alexander < congressmanalexander@gmail.com > Date: Sun, Nov 17, 2024, 9:40 AM Subject: And We're Off! To: Seth Sturm < sethsturm@gmail.com > I hate saying we. Who's doing this campaign anyway, Bernie Sanders or all of Bernie Sanders supporters and Bernie Sanders? Most people don't want more work. And "we are going to revolutionize this country" sounds like a lot of work, for everyone but Bernie Sanders. That was all in 2020.  "He lost badly considering how well he was doing." -Yogi Berra I AM MY CAMPAIGN. I AM DOING IT ALL BY MYSELF. However I have a few CO-CONSPIRATORS working behind the scenes HOWEVER IT'S STILL ME. Me and I not we. We is disingenuous. Are you running for Congress as an independent too? It's still not we. I am alone, on the quarterdeck of this ship. With my campaign signs up and soon my flags flying! I AM THE NEXT AMERICAN HERO. It goes George Washington...

You see me. You see I am hot. "Jump on me." As in, grab me before another girl does. When I walk down the street--and walk isn't the right word... "'Cause I saddle up my pack And I bound into the city I make a lot of noise 'Cause the girls they are so pretty Hiking up and down M steet I'm a young stud, the real McCoy And the girls say Save a horse, ride a Congressman And you say Save a horse, ride a Congressman" -(almost) Big and Rich's "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy" That's how I feel marching around D.C. The "cock of the walk." You know immediately by looking I am the best boy. Why don't you say something? Unlike other boys I am not looking for the most "magazine hot" girl. I am looking for the bravest, boldest, "I want you, you're mine!" girl out there. I want you to stop me on the street and drag me home by my belt. That kind of girl. Who won't take "no" for an answer...

He is not happy, single girl. Because I make him look like a loser from every direction. It's funny for me. I am sorry he is complaining to you.

"That's why I have to have it. It's like spinach for Popeye Bourne." -Me on Cannabis ---------- Forwarded message --------- From: Wolf Alexander < thespitfirehunter@gmail.com > Date: Sat, Nov 16, 2024, 7:58 AM Subject: The All Hearing Ears To: Seth Sturm < sethsturm@gmail.com > And the all seeing eyes. ***** That's how I get while high. I hear, everything and the meanings behind the sound. I see, everything and the reasons behind the movements. Paranoia. From weed? Do you get that? May I tell you what it really is? When you use marijuana your "hunter-gatherer" kicks in. Your ancient, our ancient, "built for the wilderness" skill set gets activated when we flood our brain with cannabinoids. So if you get high in the parking lot of Staples, and then you go in, you may feel extreme anxiety. You may think everyone is looking at you and knows what you're thinking.  You aren't wrong, exactly. When high--when in "...

ALSO: "An Open Resume to All Sororities Nationwide" You are aware that "reading people" is not science fiction, right? Well I am better at it than you are. I don't have to look at someone to know everything about how they feel in the given moment we interact. This is a handy skill.  Wizardry is using that skill as an offensive weapon against boys.  When, any, boy, approaches me, I do not give anything away. Except I am observing them absolutely, even as I type. And they see me. And I observe that. Then comes the wizardry. As they observe me, while I seemingly don't observe them, I am sending them spells. In my mind. and my body very casually sends those spells. Very, very subtle signals that the boy or boys do not consciously notice but subconsciously they get the message I don't want them around. I am willing to put this to use for you. At no charge except a walk-in-closet or larger to sleep in, in your House. How's that sound? Let me be...