Be My Valentine

EXTRA! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT!

BACKWOODS BOY BEATS BEST OF BOYS, BELOW!

(backwoods boy that graduated from the University of Pennsylvania, which is a better school than UVA but who's counting.)

For the FULL REBEL EXPERIENCE, listen to this song while you read:

(High Press) -Stanardsville, Virginia, November 29, 1756.

THAT'S NOT A TYPO JACKASS.

Sorry spitfires I had to get one last one in against the boys. Other boys. They always thought they were better than I am. But they ain't. None'of'em.

All colors and nationalities and ages of boys. They all suck, compared to me. All of them. Girl, you tell me a boy you think is better than I am and I will tell him he isn't, and we'll see who's right.

Roger?

For example. Travis Kelce. The "best girl in the world" (not) Taylor Swift must be with the best boy, right?

I bet you my laptop, mademoiselles, that I can beat Travis in any number of tests of brains. You pick'em. Anything but football trivia. And while he might be able to haul more wood per load than I can, he won't be able to carry so much after I hit him with something heavy.

Freely I admit he could defeat me wrestling. Except he'd never get that close. Bear goes down before it gets to you is better for the hands.

High, Travis. You're dating "my ex". She's too smart for you. And you've known it this whole time but got her anyway. Because she's running out of boys. She exhausted her supply of celebrity boys in music and film, etc. She was hoping she could ignore that she was with "a stupid football player" and wouldn't mind she was that much smarter than you. 

But it's now obvious to her that it's obvious to you that she is disappointed, and that's obvious to me.

After watching this movie nine years ago! with Will Smith before he threatened to kill Chris Rock and got yelled at for some reason when he was defending his girl from ridicule which I totally understand, I wouldn't have touched a football again for $100 million dollars. Your thick head will protect you a little, but I'm sure football isn't improving your intelligence-sexiness in your girl's eyes.

In summation: Your life passion, is grabbing other boys. Actually you are the one getting! grabbed. Your life passion is running from other boys as far as you can until they grab you and get on top of you. Then you two or three, sweaty, stupid boys lay there for a minute in satisfied athletic exhaustion holding each other, like you just fucked.

All day almost every day for twenty years you've enjoyed that!

That's enough for brains, girls. Now brawn.

HEY!

TRAVIS KELCE!

E.A.G.L.E.S. EAGLES.

I bet I can strike your ass out. Sidearm fastballs.

I bet I can beat you in a real sword fight. I'm using my Bowie Saber.

I bet I can prepare a storm shelter and start a fire faster than you can. And find my way in the dark woods at night, to get more wood, after preparing a defense against bears and wolves and wolverines.

I bet I can play "The Most Dangerous Game" with you anywhere in Virginia and hang you on my wall, Travis Kelce.

"Cut! cut! cut! This is a very silly story. Write something more serious."

Sometimes I talk to myself to get things going. Things are now going.

Calling out to everyone who will try to run for office as an independent. Good luck.

Spitfire! You, hot girl with grit. You get a cavalier gentleman, playfulboy. Alexander the Greater.

When I crawled out my tent this morning, I could feel it was going to be another kick-some-ass day!

"Click if you wanna Kick Some Ass!"

There is apple cider behind my tent. Hard cider. I gotta go get me a bottle. And I don't talk like that. That is a written accent. I talk like this. Not like isss. But it's fun ta talk like isss 'cause I heard it me whole life.

(You) "Stop. You said "me whole life". Appalachians don't say "me" for "my". That's real Irish."

(Me) "And?"

(You) "You're going to switch accents mid sentence and not tell me?"

(Me) "You figured it out. Are you angry about it?"

(You) "No but next time you better tell me."

(Me) "Alright."

(Me) "Hey spitfire. I am going to use an Irish accent soon. I hope you are ready. I don't want you to be unprepared, or upset because you were unprepared, when I use it, as soon as this sentence ends or sooner which may or may not happen until I git good and tarred offf bein' pretend mean ta'ya'me'dahrlin'gaerl that looks like me Lucky Chahrms wish come true."

(You) "I'm going to drop my panties here."