The Most Difficult Fact

There is a girl sleeping next to me who doesn't find me sexually attractive.

She told me point blank last night, after trying for the fifth day to hook up with her.

A more unpleasant statement to accept I have never heard. Because it wasn't a simple "no" from a girl I met in passing. It wasn't a "no" after a superficial date. This was a no after five days of continuous, tremendous effort. Not merely to get into her pants but to make her love me forever.

"I don't feel sexual desire for you." That's not exactly how she said it but close enough.

And I had to hear that as she's lying in my arms, massaging me and I her. 

Furious. Absolutely livid. I wanted to roar. Some combination of "how dare you!" and "you're a dumbass!" and "I don't want you either!!!"

She's still next to me. It's 5am.

Being told "you don't turn me on" while being turned on is like having a brick wall go up right in the middle of the road in front of your racecar at a Grand Prix.

She told me she doesn't want to procreate with me. I'm not exciting her most intimate desire. I am not worthy of her womb.

Me! I am not good enough. In her eyes. For some reason I can't identify and she hasn't explained.

And it's not true. I am a lover and a killer. I am bold, determined, bad, good, great, strong, fast, brilliant and could wipe the floor with her exes and any future beau she has.

Still she doesn't want me. So I, want to find a man she does want, and tear him in half and place both pieces of him in front of her and say "how sexy is he now?"

I'm not doing any of that. This is my room. She's my guest. I could have made her leave while calling her names. I could have forced myself. I could have hit her. Or broken something. Or hurt myself or threatened to.

Instead I took it like a chump. I'm still taking it. This very hot girl is sleeping right next to me as I type on my phone. She should be all over me. She's not.

I have been rejected thousands of times in one way or another and never was it so insulting. And I have no way to alieviate the wound except tell you, other woman. Tell you that NO I WON'T SAY IT. Nothing I say will change her mind or the fact. So why roar, even on paper?

I have never committed a #MeToo, or worse. If I was going to, last night, or right now, would be the time. I definitely felt and feel the urge. Sexual desire is the strongest want in the human experience. I want her. I want her right now. And technically, I can have her. She couldn't stop me.

As the male, force is an option which would work. I could conquer her. Make her accept me. Soothe my pride and satisfy my desire. Forgetting the consequences: if we were in the wild, would I?

(No.)

It's good practice and a final test. After this I can say with absolute certainty "I am no rapist." Nor a #MeToo'er. Nor even a vindictive rejectee which I admit I've been. She will read this or I will read it to her and she will enjoy it as she has other things I've written her.

And it will not turn her on. What I am missing in her mind I still don't know. Perhaps I am being too, nice. Too accepting. Maybe I should have thrown her out the minute I got the forever-no.

There's a certain very subtle element of... sexual aggression which is a vital ingredient in attraction and I am not doing it. I am not hunting in the sexual sense. And I think you want that. You want to be hunted. Right?

I assume you would say "no! ew!! I don't want to be hunted by a horny boy." And yet it's hunters who get you. So explain that.

After this I am either going to double down on my failing attitude of "I am not throwing myself at you until you do it first", or I'm going to go back to flirting with every one of you I see, like I did years ago.

That worked. I was well on my way to Cassanova when I got a taste of "love and sex are not the same and I want both." One night stands, while confirming my confidence, isn't what I want. I want this girl who really likes me in every way but the big one, to also want to ravage me forever.

I am a chivalrous man.