How to Write a Demand Letter from Hell

To make a great story short: I won. Full refund. Receipt at the end of the story.

Summary of experience: it's possible to be right and win no matter the odds.

To Whom it Now Concerns,

Thank you for listing your board of directors.

After some good research I possess the names numbers and business addresses of the nine men who are going to get phone calls today from me they are not going to like if you don't give me my $155 dollars back.

Not included as photos are #6 Dean Somer, #7 Andrew Nussbaum, #8 David Pazzaglini and #9 Travis Rundlet.

It's 4:26am and I am working on my campaign to drive you legally goddamn crazy at flank speed.

This is Day 1.

Don't take me seriously. I like that.

--Wolf Alexander

On Mon, May 19, 2025, 3:15 AM Wolf Alexander <thespitfirehunter@gmail.com> wrote:

GIVE ME MY MONEY BACK

On Sun, May 18, 2025, 4:55 PM Wolf Alexander <congressmanalexander@gmail.com> wrote:
Asphalt Green,

Your employee Olusola Ogunrinu is bad.

He left me a voicemail but without the words "your refund is being processed".

Is he so stupid as to think I'm going to forget you owe me $155?

He is a jackass. Not a camp counselor candidate cough cough more to the point.

And he's causing you Asphalt Green a lot of creative problems. I have to delete his voicemail which is taking my time and I should bill you.

Here it is.

On Sun, May 18, 2025, 3:17 PM Wolf Alexander <congressmanalexander@gmail.com> wrote:
Dear Assholes Green,

Asphalt Green excuse me,

You stole my money.

$155.

While I am angry to the point of growling aloud, you have given me an enjoyable activity for my Sunday rest day.

Right now I am collecting your email addresses.

I would prefer to focus my anger on the government thieves in Washington but you are forcing me to concentrate on you thieves right here in town.

When your average person gets ripped off they may retaliate in weak ways. Posting a bad review. Contacting the Better Business Bureau. Maybe consider a lawsuit.

I am not average. I'm exceptional. The most exceptional person on these islands.

When someone harms me I get compensatory satisfaction.

Asphalt Green has harmed me by taking $155 from my campaign funds against my wishes.

I made them clear to their rep Olusola several times.

"No" I said.

He doesn't know what that word means. I know what it means.

Please male person who will make this decision: don't take me seriously.

That way I have nice fat non-violent legal target for whatever Dennis the Menace on acid stuff I can come up with.

Practice for Washington.

To unendingly solicit the return of my money from you I will do whatever I can do that doesn't get me arrested, and that's a wide variety of activities. I'll discuss them with the 1st Precinct on my way over tomorrow after lunch.

FOR THE PUBLIC:

I agreed to an annual membership at this gym assuming I would use it.

They have a nice pool. That's what I wanted to use.

But their nice pool is only for good swimmers to swim laps. I am not a good swimmer.

I went to the gym once a month ago. After I was "in the way" of the good swimmers and saw no way of not being, I elected to not return.

I spent ~2 hours in the gym.

I paid them a partial month's membership fee for that.

I was not willing to pay more regardless of what I signed. They didn't tell me I had to swim laps to use the pool.

Pieces of paper might be important to them but not as much to me. I am not going to pay for what I'm not using.

Gyms rely on their members doing that very thing. They love when people pay monthly but don't show up.

If they were an honest gym they'd say "yeah he signed but he hasn't used it and he has a legitimate complaint we can't really address, so we should allow him to depart without sticking it to him as much as we can."

They're sticking it to me as much as they can.

Therefore I'm going to return the favor.

Stay tuned! For another "Broadsheet Bombshell" from SpitfireHunter.com and Congressman Wolf Alexander!

Congressman Alexander's Broadsheet

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How to Write a Demand Letter from Hell