Even Gangsters Have Girlfriends
In order to get the life I want, I've had to turn myself into a nonviolent legal mafioso.
The gangster of gangsters.
Except, unlike most gangsters, I've never done anything very gangstery. I never wanted to.
But I seem like I have. Which is the effect I desired. Because people get out of my way. People that otherwise might get in my way.
There's nothing worse than being in the middle of having fun and some asshole with power says "stop."
That's been happening to me all my life. Starting with many of my teachers and going right along to the police.
So I did something about it. I turned myself into someone that assholes just don't want to fuck with.
Except like chemotherapy, I am killing healthy cells as well as the cancerous ones. People who shouldn't worry about me do. People I only want to be nice to and help, run away.
I should expect that having seen the Sopranos all the way through several times. Regular people just don't like the Mafia. Even if they're not being bothered by them.
So all these regular people I want to like me, are scared of me.
That's not good. I'm not happy about that.
What can I do about it though? I can't undo my aura. I can't have a good reputation if people won't give me a chance.
When I went to The Cellar Dog last night neither the bouncer nor the games girl charged me. They knew me. But I got a sense of entitlement that I don't want. I wanted to pay. I mean I am happy to have saved the 20 bucks but they made me feel special in a bad way.
A woman I was getting friendly with at The Park blocked me unexpectedly. After half a dozen interactions and two business dealings and all smiles, she got scared.
I am hurt by that reaction. It makes me feel icky. I don't want to frighten women. I don't mind frightening men so they leave me alone. But you ladies, I like. I really enjoy your company and ideas and the difference in how you think.
All I want is for different girls to talk to me all day long. Until I find one that's perfect and she feels the same.
UPDATE: the woman I mentioned didn't block me. Her social media assistant did.
I feel a little better.
