How Bad Timing Ruins Happiness

I am a boy. I like you, girls.

When one of you rejects me with words and actions, I don't know what to do.

I am playing cowboys and indians with a girl. I like her. She knows I like her. Except she hasn't been consistent with me.

And neither have I.

I want to flirt with her. She made it seem like she didn't want me to flirt with her. But she does. I think. She looked at me tonight with eyes that said "hi" in that way you do.

But she said no! In several ways previously so I am unsure what to do. I think she is mad at me for not talking to her earlier.

But I wanted to talk to her tonight.

But not enough to ignore her telling me not to talk to her. I got her no hints and am terrified now thinking I am getting yes hints.

Because I don't know. I hate hints. I hate these games tell me you want to fuck me. How hard is that? Should be 99x easier for you because no man has ever called the police on a woman for saying "I want to fuck you". Not that I have ever said that to a girl point blank sight unseen but I'd like to. Because everything else is really bullshit. And I hate bullshit.

So this situation pisses me off. Not at her. At myself? For not having the courage earlier to go with my gut and talk to her after that look.

I hate looks! It's like you want me... it's like she wants me to prove I really like her by ignoring her denial.

I was told that once by a girl. "You kept trying". She liked that. That I didn't take her first brush offs for an answer.

Well this girl I like said no. 

A couple of times. And yet tonight I got a "maybe" by eyes.

I HATE THAT! SAY "I WANT TO FUCK YOU." or anything. Because I don't want to be wrong and I don't want to try, and fail, again.

And that hurt her feelings. That I didn't get her new hint. And I feel badly.

Our timing is off. And time is passing.

I feel like if somehow we could break through the timing and just both be clear in words we like each other, we would.

I am angry I can't make myself be cool with her. Suave. She wants me to take the lead and try again.

Or she did. When she gave me that look.

When I see her again she might be over me. Because I hurt her tonight.

I gave her, my card. She knows I like her. She can message me. But she's shy. She wants me to lead her into the relationship maybe and I don't want to do it.

I feel badly. I am alone. She is alone. I could just go talk to her. But this is so, stupid. Goddamnit!

Anyway. This is why its so hard for most people to get good relationships. Getting to first base with a stranger is a monumental task for about half of all women and men because both combined aren't brave enough to start the fire.