Zohran If I Was The Mayor

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---------- Forwarded message ---------
From: Wolf Alexander <congressmanalexander@gmail.com>
Date: Tue, Aug 26, 2025 at 10:16 AM
Subject: Zohran If I Was The Mayor
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Future First New Yorker,

I have lived here since the Ides of January.

Here are the things I would do if I was you when you're in command.

1. Big. Coal Mine. Fans. In every subway station. You will get 10 points of approval for years, every summer, if there are HUGE GODDAMN INDUSTRIAL FANS at every stop. Millions of rides. Every, one is hot. Everyone. Fix it.

2. "Mayor Clean". The city is disgusting. Not awful but not Galway or Cadiz or Amsterdam. Encourage citizens to keep their neighborhoods nice. Block parties should be always legal. Street closures EASY. Fuck cars. Assholes wanna drive they can move to the suburbs. They don't like you anyway.

3. Women should be allowed to carry heavy weapons. Guns knives pole axes bowie sabres whatever they want. So they can walk home alone and feel totally safe. THIS ONE IS NOT DEBATABLE. FIX THOSE LAWS NOW. And should they use them in self defense they should get the benefit of the doubt.

4. Cheap housing. You know where there's cheap housing? In the storage unit I'm renting. For $150 a month I am the haver of a warm or cool, dry, safe - very safe - place to sleep. SO. THE FUCK WHAT if it's against code. What's more against code? Sleeping next to a moving taxi or sleeping without whatever bullshit the code says. Fix the code. Let people rent whatever they want to live in. You can make sure the buildings have adequate bathrooms etc but a steel box is a perfectly awesome tent in a well built building. 

You can fix your homeless problem forever, instantaneously with that. A jail cell is worse than my storage unit and they're somehow still legal. 

I've made my "siesta office" quite cool. I even climb into it like a B-17.

5. Don't fuck with the police. Be their friend. Cops don't care about what you ask them to do as long as you don't treat them like criminals while doing it. Some of them are. Once you are the best friend of the police, then, tell them what to do. Give them bonuses and medals while you get them out of their cars. 

There should be one police officer for every square block, that hangs out at that block. Rotated randomly but if you need a cop, you run to the corner. They're useless in cars. All they do is use their sirens and lights to get to the donut hut faster. No offense pigs I love donuts.

Response time should be however long it takes an officer to run half a block at most and get up to wherever they're needed. A lot better than now.

6. Encourage free markets. Street vendors. GOOD. Street food vendors. GOOD. "Yard Sales". GOOD. Buskers. GOOD. It works in other countries just fine. The Medina of Marrakesh can be your inspiration. How cool would that be in any given borough? You can get a couple of points from the MAGA capitalist (GOOD) cocksuckers on Staten Island for that one. 



7. The streets have an awful lot of free space. Just saying. Drivers do not outnumber walkers.

8. The Chump is going to make your life very unpleasant. I will cover you.

9. Aren't you going to send any "Hot Girls for Zohran to Washington Square"

?

It's really nice now thanks to the rangers! and me.

10. I stopped giving mayoral advice three points back. Here's some campaign advice:

Don't be Dewey. Repeat after me: "Don't. Be. Dewey". You are way ahead. Don't get stiff and fearful of saying or doing the wrong thing. Does The Chump ever do that? No. Does his base love him for that trait? Yes they do.

Your base wants you to be as strong as possible. The moment you backpedal you seem weak. Admitting you're wrong isn't backpedaling if you follow it up with something doubly bold. Keep attacking everyone and everything you don't like. Except women. MAGA women will come to like you if you are a gentleman as they yell at you.

Try to win by 50 points. 

Go back to Staten Island. Bring some pipe hittin' niggas.

-Alex