As I gazed over my very cool apartment...
In my mom's basement...
In bumblefuck nowhere...
I thought "well I was alone in New York City at $4500 a month. Same result here lower price".
I was always, alone in NYC. I was amongst a lot of people. But I had an almost impenetrable bubble. I'd smoke and play music at The Park and walk forever and was basically unbothered. For better (men) and worse (women).
I was alone when I went out to "socialize" too. I played pool several nights at The Cellar Dog and drank other nights in various bars and was always, alone. By myself. In my own little world...
*****
I didn't try to make friends. Deliberately not. I didn't want to be pulled in a direction by a group.
No friends. I have, no friends. I have my mom, who loves me. That's it. Not one other contact in my phone. Except for my imaginary (future) girlfriend. She's my own number, now back to 646-489-4183 under "Jane Bond" - so I could text "her" without texting anyone.
My mom is "M".
My house number here is "James Bond".
This aligns with my young childhood desire to not be friends, with other boys especially. My parents had to force me to do it. Eventually I got in the habit of it. And had lots of friends up past college.
Then I realized that a friend, is a temporary companion from a given environment. And if that environment changes, for either of you, the friendship evaporates. So I was right all along.
Now what? I feel like James Bond with no assignment.