But I am refused permission by her, to publish them. Which I must respect. But I am saving the emails under the label "Hail to the Commander Rachel"
*****
Your dad likes guns huh? Sounds like we'd get along. Except I am not allowed near firearms. Dumb. Guns don't kill people. Bullets kill people.
Your tomboy is coming out more lately. Really hot clip of you sitting in that chair like the OGbush.
It turns me on watching you pop that shotgun off.
You liked benadryl because it helped you loosen up. Your parents and community made you feel really, stiff. While mine made me feel really stupid. Weed makes me feel smart. We recreational drug the correct drug for our society-made-ailment.
I was really glad to see you go into a bar and hang out like it's no big deal. I would never encourage you to drink again. But I still, think, there's a part of you that is pissed you quit because part of you did it for someone else. That's the part that you didn't give consent for. You were pressured, somewhat, into going sober. When the correct decision was just to drink like it's not that much fun.
Yesterday I was trying to make myself drink more. Because I saw you bragging how you could knock back eight whiskeys and I thought "if she wants to do that I am not, going to be on the sidelines complaining like some f@g".
Eight is a lot, for me. I hate that thinking of being beyond physical control of the high. "I want to turn this off" is a horrible thought. With weed it's very rare. Alcohol I feel like that every time I drink too much so I don't enjoy doing it.
*****
Alcohol and downers like benadryl are drugs of physical, looseness.
Marijuana is a drug of mental, looseness.
When I smoke weed, my mind goes free while I am still stiff with my body.
When I drink, my mind stays fairly controlled. But my body is all over the place.
What I enjoy doing, is getting my body loose first with beer, two or three or, getting sick four, and then get high.
It's like a fucking bomb goes off in my personality. I am funny-crazy, usually. After that it's more.
I have smoked very little this morning and drank not at all. Talking to you is better than both.
But you were so stifled, physically. Physically. You wanted to fuck a lot. And daddy and mommy and Jesus said that was bad. So to compensate you took seasick pills.
Hail to the Commander Rachel!
-Commander Alex