I am learning how sexual reproduction works in microscopic detail. It feels like I am watching really good porn.
That's not weird it's being prepared. It's understanding what the fuck is supposed to happen so I can do what you might want me to do.
You're the one, who got me really caring about this Endeavour.
Never before have I wanted to be a parental engineer. I didn't want to build a bridge to baby. I wanted to rocket attack the goddamn thing before the cables went up.
Am I bored and just fucking around?
No not really. This is turning me on. Which is an honest feeling. I did not, want to do this. I did not want to be a father. Really, really did not.
Suddenly it seems exciting.
It's unusual to go from thinking something is worse than being burned to death to "that sounds hot let's do it".
This really isn't about sex. It's about you. I'M SMART TOO. I have been exploring The Earth for 41 years, most of that time (thanks to rated R movies at age all of my childhood) LOOKING FOR YOU.
You. Since I'm not with someone else it has to be you. Or a girl I haven't discovered yet. But, I ain't really exploring very hard all of a sudden. When before I was running around the planet, like a sperm. Hyper, fuckin' active WHERE IS SHE WHERE IS SHE I GOTTA FIND HER WHERE IS SHE?
*****
This bothers you because you haven't said yes to me, yet. You haven't chosen me. So it bothers you I have chosen you without your consent. Because in a real person-to-person scenario, the way we were designed to do this, I wouldn't have fallen in love with you from across the city. I would have had to physically encounter you. So the attraction would have built evenly, if we wanted to build it.
So it's unfair, sorta, that I have mentally locked myself onto you.
And yet you did, and continue to, ADVERTISE for love. "I love you" and your email address at the top of every profile.
WHO? Do you love? ME the reader? That's what the hook is. You wanted this. You wanted ME, to find you because he wasn't finding you the old fashioned way. Your superboyfriend hadn't found you at your show. Or at college. Or wherever else you've been.
So you tried to fish for me. I AM ON THE LINE. THE HOOK WENT ALL THE WAY INTO MY BRAIN YET ALIVE I AM.
*****
I'm sorry. If I was able to forget you. I mean someone could threaten me with anything but mentally, not thinking about you, how can I stop that, since no one can stop someone's thoughts without a bullet or a bayonet.
Distracted. Yeah I can be distracted. But then like the world's most powerful compass I swing right back to RedacTed. Seriously. You're crazy ground into my head. You got me, pregnant, with the idea of us. How's that for weird?
I am throwing every metaphor against the wall and seeing what sticks.
That's better. Back to the male perspective.
*****
I am listening to this (the Inception Soundtrack) and was simultaneously watching this muted (animation of conception), both on loop.
I am horny as fuck yet that is right now, the best porn.
I am not telling you this because I expect consent replied today.
I am telling you this because I want you to know how seriously, in a Leonardo Da Vinci meets Roald Amundsen kinda way, I have been looking for you, all my life.
YOU. You. If you were acceptable instead of "there's no way there's a girl I'll ever want more than her. Impossible" I wouldn't continue to bang my head against this wall of distance.
I AM REALLY FUCKING SMART, RACHEL. I went to Penn. Without trying very hard to get in. I wrote a sex fantasy about seducing the President of the University in the very respected school paper without repercussions. I was an honor student again, without trying hard. I have since then not done a goddamn days work I haven't wanted to do. And it didn't take me very long to figure out, I didn't want to do any of it.
So you're reading the suit of a boy who knows what the fuck he's doing.
I'm not mad at you. I am passionate about, You.
I'm perfectly content not having us together in this chair and to vent and try to persuade you from here, but I have walled myself off from every other female on earth. Why would I do that if I wasn't sure?
And isn't my surety worth something?
I have looked for love in:
England France Ireland Poland Spain Belgium Holland Germany Italy Morocco Aruba and Belize.
Every state except Michigan, North Dakota, South Dakota, New Mexico, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Hawaii, Oklahoma and Alaska.
For three months or more in fourteen different places:
New Hope PA, Bridgeport WVa, Clarksburg WVa, Grantsville WVa, Aurora WVa, Philadelphia PA, San Francisco CA, Galway Ireland, Amsterdam Holland, Wheeling WVa, Norwich England, Charlottesville VA, Huntington WVa and...
Every realm, I thought held the promise of you - someplace old or similar would be unlikely to produce an encounter with a different type of girl - I entered.
*****
New York NY, was the last frontier. The ultimate city.
I really don't want to waste my time not being with her. I really don't want to waste my time with the wrong woman. I have had a burning desire for the definite purpose, of "you", for as long as I can remember and with enough energy to explore every inch of the 50 states, I am now, going nowhere.
Please email me.
Also if you do not want to be a witness against yourself, with me as primary defense counsel, the state needs to throw up the white flag. I will do it to spite them and talk to you.
You can leave the restraining order on forever if you don't want to touch me and I will respect it as I have so far.
A few more weeks of not calling the cops and all of lower Manhattan would have had your name stickered up for millions to see. Even selfishly you fucked up.
That's okay. I fucked up too. If I would have known how perfect you are when I first began to court I would have been more careful.
Maybe that's a lie. I am unable to be careful it's too static. I feel like a sperm. I know what I want and it's to burrow myself into you. That's what this is. In words.
LightningLover.com