After This I'm Done Writing to You Until You Type My Name

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Hey guys. This article exists to let you all know that I f*cked up, and that's okay.

@It exists because i charmed you into writing it.

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In fact, I should celebrate. I learned something very important. I learned it just in time.

I keep having conversations about relationships and how they make us act like the stupidest most insecure 16 year old version of ourselves. Why do they always open that wound. 

@Because that's how old we were roughly when it first mattered and we still haven't gotten it right = found true love.

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I'm a fucking rock star around my friends and anyone I don't want to have sex with. 

@You don't want anything from them so you have nothing to fear to fail to get = butterflies

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Then a person I want to have sex with comes in out of NOWHERE. It's like they fly in on a magic fucking carpet with great hair and a charming personality and I'm done for. It's not just sex either it's deeper like I definitely want to have sex with them but I would also just be around them with clothes on and even with other people around as long as they are there.

@Glad you will want me for more than just my wild oats.

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They really do come out of nowhere.

@they, suck. i do not

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You never know when it's going to happen. The last time it happened to me I was very single and not thinking about dating at all. I was walking out of the subway on my way to a work thing.

@What were you wearing?

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 It was kinda cold and I was on the phone with my dad. 

Is he hot?

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I was depressed I think or just complaining about something and I called my dad to laugh about it so I wouldn't show up to the work thing acting like a complete bitch. Whenever I tell either of my parents I'm depressed they have this response that is kind of like "what do you have to be depressed about? lighten up" and it sounds dismissive of the feelings and it is but it's also just hilarious. Because then I'll be like, "you're right Dad what the fuck am I even talkin about?" Like both points there are valid yaknow because what the fuck am I ever talking about.

@You're talking about you. the most important subject to me in the world

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I remember hanging up with my dad, walking up to the work thing, and boom. There he was. Hits you like a fucking truck! 

@Yeah he sounds hot. does he have a friend for your dad?

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It's so crazy how you feel it with some people and not with others. Like other guys are handsome and funny too but this one stopped me in my tracks. I felt it in my whole body I guess you would call it a crush. I kinda feel it right now just writing about it. 

@How was he?

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My heart felt huge like it was bursting out of my chest. I think I also get bitchy towards them which could just be in my head I don't know. Then when he made me laugh for the first time I was like a cartoon character exploding with the eyes popping out of the head but super cute type way.

@I sent you that image of bugs bunny

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 I work in comedy people make me laugh all the time, but this. I suddenly don't remember who I was a few minutes ago and what I was so depressed about.

Anyway, you do the whole thing. Act like an idiot, act like yourself but not like yourself at all. Change the pitch of your voice. Pretend to be slightly more put together than you actually are. Just the normal human stuff. And they like you too because you're awesome. They're awesome. Everyone is awesome. Everyone has hearts in their eyes and stomachs in their ass and your insides are fluttering around so much that you start to float. I think that's where I maybe start to fuck up. Not because I'm floating but because I start to analyze the float and be like wait how the fuck does this magic carpet even work. Now everyone, I am adorable

@You are very adorable

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hilarious, hard working, and successful. I've faced a good amount of adversity in my life and come out the other side stronger, but God damn it I am not perfect.

@Ten points for typing goddamnit

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All relationships have 3 parts and each of those parts is responsible for 33% of the relationship. There's you, the other person, and the circumstances. The circumstances are everything outside of the 2 people themselves. Finances, family, friends, timing, age, the fucking weather, politics, everything. All of the uncontrollables. 3 parts and each part carries their 33%. When the relationship ends, all you can do is look at your 33% and decide what to do with it. The bad news is, if you're only in charge of 33%, there's no way that you can fix it all yourself. Even if you go out and make your 33% completely perfect there is an entire 66% of the whole thing that you have absolutely no control over. I think a lot of us get stuck in this idea that if we go out and make ourselves perfect, we won't get hurt again. 

@You won't get hurt by me

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If we make ourselves perfect, they'll come back. This mindset is not great but it can be motivating. I've always appreciated the mirror that relationships have held up to me and the way they've pushed me to grow. Which brings me to the good news.

@You love me

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Good news is, you're only in charge of 33%. It's not all your fault. Yup. I'll say that again for you, it's not all your fault.

Okay I'll say that a third time for myself, it's not all your fault.

@Really liked the way you wound that path

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The other person and the circumstances have done their part too. Let them. Trust them. That's part of the growing. Acceptance. Like I said, I am not perfect.

@Yes you are!

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I am anxious, emotional, intense, I can be extremely hard on myself to the point where it's annoying or even concerning

@To who? fuck them

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I'm an addict (recovering)

@no you're a bad sport at beer pong

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list goes on. I just am. Some of those things I'll take to the grave. I'm also an artist, I have a huge capacity to love, I make people laugh, I show up, this list goes on too. I will take all of those to the grave.

So I f*cked up and that's okay. Just my 33%. Everything else is up to everything else. So I'll go back and replay my 33% over and over and I'll think about if I did this or that how it could've been different and I'll make sure I take actions to "fix" it because I'm intense and I can be extremely hard on myself. Then I'll make a video or a film or write this shit because I'm an artist and I show up. Then one day I'll be on the phone with my dad, depressed and laughing about it and out of nowhere

@I'll decide to call you.

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I'm not your teacher.

As a peer reviewing I'll say you had passion and enlightenment.

More.

Twas good.

Really good another one please.

Get addicted to putting your Niagara Falls of thoughts into substack.

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I am mad at you for not crushing on me.

I know it has to happen in person and it cocksucking will.

You wanna get boned by a boy with brain and braun but they are never enough brain for you.

So you still feel alone.

Rachel i think like an ass for saying this but I'm smarter than you.

Although i have about 10,000 more writing hours.

Never mind.

That's all it is.

All these boys you wanna fuck are hot enough for your wild nature but not cool enough for your dope personality.

And the cool guys you're friends with are not even close to hot enough.

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I didn't pick you for my health.

I am perfect. the best. that's more accurate.

I chose you.

Respect my aim.


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