Dear Jon V: Rocky vs Tommy Gunn

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---------- Forwarded message ---------
From: Wolf Alexander <baberuth1920@gmail.com>
Date: Sun, Apr 20, 2025 at 8:48 AM
Subject: Dear Jon V: Rocky vs Tommy Gun
To: <reservations@thedailyshow.com>, <internship@thedailyshow.com>, <jenflanz@thedailyshow.com>, <info@thedailyshow.com>, <help@thedailyshow.com>, <Mets@thedailyshow.com>, <tilzer@roar.la>, Michael Kosta <michael@michaelkosta.com>, <dbo@dixontalent.com>, <ramin.hedayati@gmail.com>, <jmelkmann@thedailyshow.com>, <tickets@thedailyshow.com>, <desi.lydic@gmail.com>, <contact@ronnychieng.com>, <ticketsupport@ronnychieng.com>, <jeffrey.jacobs@caa.com>, <justin.edbrooke@caa.com>, <justin.gorkowitz@caa.com>, <ka@kamesmgmt.com>, <fh@kamesmgmt.com>, Megan McWaters <mmcwaters@independentartistgroup.com>, <mburgos@independentartistgroup.com>, <help@lewisblack.com>, <gkuhlenschmidt@yahoo.com>, <gkuhlenschmidt@secondcity.com>, <gracekuhlen@gmail.com>, <brett@cgftalent.com>, <cory.wang@authenticm.com>, <alex.burditt@authenticm.com>, <brittanymehmedovic17@gmail.com>, <daniel.bonthius@mail.house.gov>, <Alejandra.EscobarSerrano@mail.house.gov>, <Oliver.Hidalgo-Wohlleben@mail.house.gov>, <grayson.flood@mail.house.gov>, <diego.delatorre@mail.house.gov>, <zena.wolf@mail.house.gov>, <AOC.Press@mail.house.gov>, <naureen.akhter@mail.house.gov>, <egenova@nyunews.com>, <abairdhassell@nyunews.com>, <iderasmo@nyunews.com>, <kwelander@nyunews.com>, <tnejand@nyunews.com>, <mkotval@nyunews.com>, <nzaldivar@nyunews.com>, <lng@nyunews.com>, <jdiorio@nyunews.com>, <amehta@nyunews.com>, <ldonnelly@nyunews.com>, <emalabanan@nyunews.com>, <gstotz@nyunews.com>, <kkomanduri@nyunews.com>, <srt9826@stern.nyu.edu>, <lolukoga@nyunews.com>, <gtan@nyunews.com>, <jkim@nyunews.com>, <nroy@nyunews.com>, <tips@nyunews.com>, <opinion@nyunews.com>, <mgmt@nyunews.com>, <Angela.Sherpa@mail.house.gov>, <Michelle.Luna@mail.house.gov>, <editor@nyunews.com>

Jon. You don't mind if I call you Jon do you? Calling you Sam would be weird.

Dear Sam,

I am as powerful as Dan Goldman but I can't get anyone to admit it. I ENDED A LABOR STRIKE WITH MY KEYBOARD.

Do you realize you winked a submission to me in your episode last week? I'd find the spot but it's early and I don't wanna wake up the hotel. 

After the long bit calling Trump on his golden habits and royalist'ish character. Which I yelled at you to do in an earlier "Dear Jon" email.

Right eye. You blink with both eyes a bunch then your right only. That's the submission. "Please stop emailing me here's what you asked for."

Thanks for agreeing to my suggestion! And for letting me be an unsigned executive producer. Unfortunately I have to keep emailing you. Guest. Cough. Akemay olfway uestgay.

But for your next episode! Say it with me, "I will desecrate the body of the Democratic Party."

The 2007 version of you who was still in love with Elizabeth Shue -- he wasn't as stiff and square as this v25.



That pen flip you do?  It's from the beginning of The Saint.

*****

Are you really as obtuse as Warden Norton? Do you think the Democrats, the political corporation, are worthwhile? 

You didn't! What happened Mr. MTV?

I never thought they were worthwhile. My entire life I've known both parties are bad. In 1992 I saw Bill Clinton and George H.W. Bush, and Ross Perot in the debate and I thought "those two are lying."

USE YOUR BULLY PULPIT TO DRAG THE CORPSE OF THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY ACROSS THE SCREEN. 

DO IT NAUGHT, AND EVERY ONE OF YOU WILL LAUGH TODAY.

Stop sucking corporate party cock Jon. I mean Sam. That perpetuates the problem!

Liberalism: good.

The systemic damage comes from packaging liberalism under the banner of Democrat Inc.  You feed the beast by being nice to them instead of tearing them a new asshole like you used to.

To Republican Inc. you remain a devastating antagonist.

No one gets under Trump's skin better than you do. Know how I know? He doesn't retaliate. He doesn't threaten or make fun of you. He can't. He doesn't know how. You're the cool liberal arts kid. He's the uptight business student. He growls at everyone famous who makes fun of him but I have never heard him mention you or The Show by name.

He's afraid of your intellect.

*****

I'm not. You're a partisan hack now.

*****

Grace. Desi. There are too many boys on the show. Hosts and correspondents and guests. It should be 50/50 at least don't you think? Strike! Strike! Daily Show Ladies Strike! Until there's equity. >51%.

Michelle Wolf no relation bring her back.

Natasha Leggero. Please! 

Who else do I want to see at Jon's desk... Olivia Coleman!

You pick the rest, DSgirls.

-Alex

*****

Jon and Sam. It's annoying I am not getting credit for being the most innovative candidate. 

These emails have the power of the USS Missouri shelling your ass from New York Harbour.

Imagine a broadside from the Hudson at 52nd. Lol. That's how those lawyermen felt last week. 

Naw I wouldn't do that to the building J. Geils. There are dozens of hot girls running around your studio aren't there. Blonde blonde blonde is where you want the wheels to stop.

Are you eating popcorn? 

I'm listening to Aerosmith. "Mama Kin" at the second.

*****

Hunter S. Thompson killed himself because he was getting decrepit and bored. You are parched, Stew. Water. Fresh not salt.

"Sleeping late and smoking tea."

Actually I get up early and smoke weed and campaign.

--Wolf Alexander, livin' out my fantasy. Of taking over America for the women.

---Congressman Alexander, sez:

(Woody Guthrie had a column called "Woody Sez")

I sez I WANT RECOGNITION! I want active attention. Mostly I want a date. All day's worth all week all year forever. Ideally with the same girl.

Cheers Monsieur Stewart and friends!

SpitfireHunter.com don't forget!!

*The Finest Print in regular size:

ALL OF THE ABOVE WAS FOR FUN. NO THREATS WERE MADE, INTENDED OR IMPLIED. EVERYTHING WRITTEN WAS COMEDY AND OF COMEDIC PURPOSES! 

The End

*****

You said it was the end.

I know but you kept typing.

We're the same person.

Yeah but they don't know that.

I think they do now.

True. Now what?


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