No One's Called Me Moonlight Graham
... in fifty years."
I am watching "Field of Dreams." It's a baseball movie.
Annie the female lead character is a spitfire.
The printer fucked up my new flag. I didn't notice yesterday. My perfect beautiful awesome flag ain't perfect. And it's not my fault.
I don't want to be angry about it. I don't want to be impatient to fix it.
Being deliberately imperfect is a strategy I have used to not be bothered by the uncorrectable.
FOR EXAMPLE:
When hanging pictures, getting and keeping them straight is difficult. Rather than obsessing about it, I have hung pictures competely and randomly ascew.
Fixes my being upset about crooked pictures.
There are several things bugging me because they're not perfect. I don't want them to bug me because I can't fix them right now.
I don't like feeling angry or impatient. But sometimes those emotions come in handy, because they're energetic. Unlike sadness, their cousin, which is low energy.
I'm not sharing the specific things that are bothering me because they're personal. Maybe I oughta.
Yesterday I forced myself to not hide something about myself and was almost immediately called on it. Nothing bad. Something I'm self-conscous about. The person who came up to me didn't mention it. But what they asked about and the circumstance of their asking it told me I was right thinking people would notice.
Makes me upset. There's nothing I can do about it. It's not me. It's not me! I am not that. I will never be that. "Rage, rage against the dying of the light."
I suppose in time I will forget it bothers me. I will forget all of the things that bother me. If I let anything bother me I can't win.
Anything and any one.
I can't be embarassed about things I can't fix, because I'd fix them if I could. Thus I am not to blame.
I'm allowed to be embarassed about being chubby, because I can fix it. It motivates me to fix it.
Making time pass to the moment I am impatient for is another mistake. That moment will come. It has to.
Before I get sad I better change the subject.
That moment I haven't had yet. Ever. I really want it.
Shall I tell you?
True love.
The moment I meet her. That girl who'll make me hers. Who's so awesome I will forget I ever was alive before her. That's what all this is for. I am impatient for that. My world will go from black and white to color.
I love color.
