Congressman Alexander's Broadsheet

I am typing on my phone as gently as possible. You are so peaceful and wonderful against me.

Special thanks to the bequest of George Washington. He was murdered by the French in 1757. Also shoutout to the anti-Trump broadcasters in front of Penn Station. A suitcase speaker system. Very hiking Blues Brothers. A good message too, unlike the Jesus bus I harangued several weeks ago for ruining my nap. Tell your friends and allies: Congressman Alexander don't play. Although I do play quite a lot. Just not with MAGA men.

---------- Forwarded message --------- From: Wolf Alexander < congressmanalexander@gmail.com > Date: Mon, Mar 24, 2025 at 11:55 AM Subject: Dear Jon (Stewart) IV: Jon vs USSR To: < reservations@thedailyshow.com >, < internship@thedailyshow.com >, < jenflanz@thedailyshow.com >, < info@thedailyshow.com >, < help@thedailyshow.com >, < Mets@thedailyshow.com >, < tilzer@roar.la >, Michael Kosta < michael@michaelkosta.com >, < dbo@dixontalent.com >, < ramin.hedayati@gmail.com >, < jmelkmann@thedailyshow.com >, < tickets@thedailyshow.com >, < desi.lydic@gmail.com >, < contact@ronnychieng.com >, < ticketsupport@ronnychieng.com >, < jeffrey.jacobs@caa.com >, < justin.edbrooke@caa.com >, < justin.gorkowitz@caa.com >, < ka@kamesmgmt.com >, < fh@kamesmgmt.com >, Megan McWaters < mmcwaters@independentartistgroup.com >, < mburgos@independentartis...

1. Don't let yourself get hurt. Physically. Ever. Fun is good and safety is lame but getting hurt is deadly. Almost.  2. Never put yourself in a situation when your attention can't prevent getting hurt. Example: no matter how good you are at life, if the airplane crashes, you are dead. If you're walking on terra firma you can almost definitely run away from a crashing airplane. 3. Just because it's better doesn't mean it's good for living forever. A jet gets you to San Francisco faster than a train but it's so hard to die on a non-express passenger train. You'd have to do-it-yourself. 4. Assume you will, live forever unless you fuck up. That makes not fucking-up-and-getting-hurt the higher priority it ought to be. 5. Fun is forever. Fun, is, forever. You can live forever if you have fun every day starting now. Say 100 years is the default human life-span. Every miserable day is two days off your life. Every fun day is no days off your...

There is a girl sleeping next to me who doesn't find me sexually attractive. She told me point blank last night, after trying for the fifth day to hook up with her. A more unpleasant statement to accept I have never heard. Because it wasn't a simple "no" from a girl I met in passing. It wasn't a "no" after a superficial date. This was a no after five days of continuous, tremendous effort. Not merely to get into her pants but to make her love me forever. "I don't feel sexual desire for you." That's not exactly how she said it but close enough. And I had to hear that as she's lying in my arms, massaging me and I her.  Furious. Absolutely livid. I wanted to roar. Some combination of "how dare you!" and "you're a dumbass!" and "I don't want you either!!!" She's still next to me. It's 5am. Being told "you don't turn me on" while being turned on is like having a brick...

Telegraph Article Above Donald Trump is the President. The election was fair. He's allowed to talk to anyone he wants. If he wants to let Elon Musk pitch a tent in the Oval Office that's his prerogative. Liberals are under the delusion that their definitions set the rules. They don't like Elon Musk. Therefore how dare Donald Trump ask his advice, etc. First of all that's why he does it. The Chump loves doing what he's not supposed to. Thus E. Jean Carroll, etc. So the more outrage he hears about Elon being his buddy the more he enjoys it.  Secondly, as the President, he can do whatever to the Executive Branch. As a human he can have whatever friends he wants. As an American he can have bad viewpoints. And as an asshole he can be an asshole. Until I am Speaker. So of course Elon is getting classified briefings. And I have no problem with it. The President is the commander in chief. Who he makes his aide-de-camp is his choice. I'll nail him on somethin...

Dear Victor (Denetso), Guess what? You are the proud inheritor of a guaranteed path to Congress. It awaits you here in NYC. --Wolf Alexander