Congressman Alexander's Broadsheet

---------- Forwarded message --------- From: Wolf Alexander < congressmanalexander@gmail.com > Date: Tue, Jan 14, 2025, 08:36 Subject: Do I Have the Moxie? To: < dana@gothamwriters.com >, < contact@gothamwriters.com > Dana, May I send you an essay? If the answer is no you are jokingly required to stop reading, now. ***** Writer's block. I have it now that I gave you that big promise. Of an awesome essay. I wouldn't trouble you for less than new and my best. Forgive any typos I miss. Sending this is fun so editing slows that down. A view from my 3rd floor hotel perch in Charlottesville, Virginia! I am mentally assassinating boys as they walk past. See this video: https://youtube.com/shorts/ecYZUIDIqVk?si=AK_KvioEYuFP4JuP I'm really bad Dana. Oh, I'm not supposed to talk to you.  Female reader. I am 9 tons of bad. All against boys.  This is my Hunter S. Thompson impression. How'm I doing? There w...

EXTRA EXTRA! The unhealthiest thing you can do when you're sick is get into bed. ***** I emailed the latest guru of eternal life and told him he's going the wrong direction. ---------- Forwarded message --------- From: Wolf Alexander < congressmanalexander@gmail.com > Date: Tue, Jan 14, 2025, 05:40 Subject: Press Release About Death To: < news@bryanjohnson.co > Cc: hello@houseplant.com < hello@houseplant.com >, media@houseplant.com < media@houseplant.com >, careers@houseplant.com < careers@houseplant.com > "If you're in love with someone totally and they the same, you can preserve each other." ***** Dear Bryan,  I bet you a hundred thousand dollars Seth Rogen lives longer than you do. Because he is very happily married and living a  very enjoyable life with his wife . Bravo on your efforts. I can live forever a totally different way, but your way won't hurt working on as a backup. A practical example:...

---------- Forwarded message --------- From: Wolf Alexander < congressmanalexander@gmail.com > Date: Mon, Jan 13, 2025, 10:20 Subject: The Greatest Scam on Earth To: < careers@thefp.com > Cc: < tips@thefp.com >, < info@lutyensrubinstein.co.uk > (500 words - week 2 - 500 left) "Ths Greatest Scam on Earth" is... A person who is a loser, generally, advising and directing the lives of others. Psychiatrists. Psychologists. Counselors. Life coaches. Their profession's purpose is helping people navigate life's difficulties. Are they better at it than their clients? Imagine someone with a degree in psychology teaching you how to whitewater raft. That's what they're doing. Everyone in that profession. They get a degree allowing them to direct, as an adult parent sort of, the lives of others. With medication sometimes which is a whole other malpractice.  Psychiatrists are the only type of doctor who don't fix anything. They co...

Cory from "Boy Meets World" is who I emailed. He ran for Congress and lost in the primary. He's the gullible looking one. ---------- Forwarded message --------- From: Wolf Alexander < congressmanalexander@gmail.com > Date: Sun, Jan 12, 2025, 14:32 Subject: Dude Explain to Me To: < info@savageforcongress.com > Dude, explain to me how you lost. Ben. You are a celebrity, every millennial knows who you are. How the f*** did you lose? I was getting ready to email your brother and tell him I'm better than he is, but since you've got an email address, I'll tell you. You're gonna run again except you're going to run as an independent. Capeesh? SpitfireHunter.com Start there. Follow me to freedom. --Wolf Alexander P.S. Seriously how the f*** did you lose? Are you as weak as your character was at the beginning of BMW? That's the only thing I can think of.  Shawn. Wins elections. You dig? "And those who dig." And th...

( appropriate background music ) Girls. Spitfires. Hotties. Lend me your eyes! I want a Chance, not Community Chest. I don't want money, I want the experience. Of you. May I be honest without being gauche? I really like girls. I really love spending time with spitfires. I am a heat seaking missile for hotties.  You have gone through life and been with a few boys probably but me you haven't been with. Propriety prevents me from explicitly saying strong statements of desire.  The happiest you've ever been with a man. I can give you better. You want very different things at different moments from your lover and some have done some and some have done others.  I do them, all.  I will ravage you like 10,000 4th of Julys. And I will hold you like it's our New Year's Eve. And I will bring you to life like it's the first warm day of spring. I am not lying, and I am not exaggerating. Impatient. For you. So impatient! I want you to make a very sexy call. If you don't w...

( great album ) Do you, spitfire -- girl with grit, gumption and gravity -- do you spitfire, know how, hard it is for me to do things "the right way"? I am, a rebel, to the core. If it says "do not enter" not only do I enter I cut down the sign on my way past. Metaphorically of course. And I don't mean in the romantic department. I always have obeyed those rules. I mean in The Real World. The rules of American society inc. Those I hated following. An example: "apply to join our group". When I have filled out such applications my attitude was "these people should be flattered I am seeking their company". So I sent in sarcastic answers. While it remains true I am the best boy ever and have creative talents in a dozen departments pouring out of me, I can't act like that so strongly. At least at first. As I prepare to conquer -- I mean live -- as I prepare to live in New York City, I have to remember: I want New Yorkers to like me...

There is a celebrity whose name I'm not going to say because I don't want to hurt her feelings. She was so amazing. And no boy good enough appreciated her. And now she's... not the same. I'm really upset about it because she's a peer. And she was just gorgeous in every way. Her art is tremendous it's making me cry. She was so in charge. She had her moment and it was a big moment. And she made something that is very powerful, I have never, I can't even say what it is cause that'll give her away, but it's really good. It's really really good. Generationally good. She was an heroic artist. The courage it takes to be Taylor Swift is one tenth of the courage she showed being herself. You know back then I was in love with Taylor Swift? ~2012. I picked the wrong girl. I thought "who is the best girl in America?" and I said "Taylor Swift", and she wasn't.  The best girl in America was this girl I'm talking about. T...

Background music for this essay . ---------- Forwarded message --------- From: Wolf Alexander < congressmanalexander@gmail.com > Date: Fri, Jan 10, 2025, 07:38 Subject: Fact and Fiction Fighter Pilots To: < info@lutyensrubinstein.co.uk > Felicity Rubinstein please send this to Lena Dunham: ***** "Fact and Fiction Fighter Pilots" Weave together and whirl in the air. Car car car bus truck car. North north north south south north north bound. The steps up to the bridge are still icy. There are girls. Spitfire girls. All over New York City.  I am The Spitfire Hunter. ***** Not predator versus prey. That's not how I mean it. Girl and boy aces! both. Hunter like an ace fighter pilot hunts for another ace. To dogfight. To play fight. To test the limits of what's possible. I am hunting for you. My equal in all things. The baddest, sweetest girl ever self-made. The ace of aces of females.  You will flash by one day and I'll chase you down. Or I...

A WORK OF FICTION: (for maximum effect listen to the Rosemary's Baby soundtrack while reading) There's a lighted window. Across the way. It's the upstairs window of a house. I can see it from my hotel room. What's going on in that room? What happened in that house? It's like an Edward Hopper painting without the person in the scene. Very sad. Very... Is someone dead in that room?  A murder happened over there and no one knows yet. Except the living murderer. And the dead murdered. They know. What happened? Why'd she kill him? She used a tomahawk. Like Lizzie Borden except angier and quieter. He deserved it. Twice to die but once was all she got out of him. Once felt good.  Twack scream no! thwack again and again scream no please! softer this time thwack harder. Now he's not screaming. Gurgling a little. She lets him. She looks at him as he dies and he looks at her as he dies. And he begs for help with his last words. And she smiles. And ...

I am finally a "who's that hot guy over there?!" I confirmed it tonight.  The girl at the desk downstairs. The way she said hello to me, after I said hello to her.  "Hey there," she said. She said it like a girl who thought I was hot. Not like a front desk attendent being polite to a guest. I have built myself into hot. Not just athletically which helps. I feel like Congressman Wolf Alexander. I feel like I did REDACTED work for the Navy. I feel like myself. I feel like a boy girls want to fuck on sight. Sorry for the frank language. You're the one thinking it. I'm just reporting it. ***** I am so, excited. To put myself in sight, of hundreds of thousands of beautiful girls.  Not only am I hot, I am unique about it.  The other guys who attract as much lusty attention can not defeat me in anything. I don't back down. Ever. And I am so bold, they don't even challenge me. Watch me, amungst one or more boys of any nature. I am clearly the wol...

---------- Forwarded message --------- From: Wolf Alexander < congressmanalexander@gmail.com > Date: Thu, Jan 9, 2025, 11:26 Subject: Re: Throwing a Hail Bari To: < careers@thefp.com >, < tips@thefp.com > OP/ED begins now: I am enjoying "Girls" for the first time and who said Lena Dunham wasn't hot? I read critics gave her unending meanness about her weight but she wasn't fat. She wasn't unattractive at all quite the opposite. She was chubby. So? Chubby is as hot as thin. She was super cute it makes me upset that she believed one word of that stupid-boy-speak. It makes me more upset that so many awesome girls have such lousy "men". Torched, girls. The other boys, by me. I know what you want: Chivalry in a gangster who makes the law but not for you. Am I off? "Girls" is the opposite of "The Sopranos". I switched in the middle of season two. I couldn't take listening to another angry male. At least t...

1/20 chance she says yes. ---------- Forwarded message --------- From: Wolf Alexander < congressmanalexander@gmail.com > Date: Wed, Jan 8, 2025, 17:46 Subject: Throwing a Hail Bari To: < careers@thefp.com >, < tips@thefp.com > Hey Bari, This is not the way to write this email, but this is how I enjoy writing. I have respected you as a journalist for a long time.  I would like to write for your magazine. You don't have to pay me. Here is a writing sample I am crafting off the cuff: "Every once in a while, someone stands up for what is right against their career interests. That person was you. I hope it's worked out. The system doesn't like a rebel. You are definitely a rebel.  Groupthink and Bari Weiss do not belong in this sentence together! I hope you recognize a fellow traveler." ***** I could write more. Do you want more? Imagine Hunter S. Thompson came back to life and sent you an email saying, "hey, give me sp...

Frank Tagliano says: ---------- Forwarded message --------- From: Wolf Alexander < thespitfirehunter@gmail.com > Date: Thu, Jan 2, 2025, 19:27 Subject: Instructions for Dealing with an Annoying Boy To: Wolf Alexander < congressmanalexander@gmail.com > 1. Terrify him of his actual physical death if he doesn't stop. 2. You can do it. Boys don't expect an enraged hell on heels girl chasing them with a butcher knife with lethal intent. Act it well. 3. He has, to be scared, of you. Not of someone else (I don't count). 4. If you feel weak a TTACK. attack when feeling weak. Do not cower. CHOP AT THE boy WITH THE HUGE KNIFE YOU BUY.  5. Bother HIM! At work? At work. In the middle of the night call HIM! over and over again. FATAL. ATTRACTION. Do that. Or your money back! Any boy you can't scare with "her" consider keeping. 6. Bother him. Get him fired. Get him embarrassed. Get him on HIS motha fuckin' heels. MAKE HIM SORRY HE LIKES YOU. Sta...

That'a John Henry. Who refused to lose even though he was beaten. And won. I just did something so cool. And I am not allowed to talk about it.  ***** Ah. I'm the Congressman now. Aboard a train. The 171. Towards CVille for the last time. There is no way on earth I am going to tell you what happened earlier. By you I mean anyone but one person who I haven't met yet. Which is so dumb because there's absolutely nothing bad to report.  WE INTERRUPT THIS EDIT FOR A NEWS BULLETIN. THIS IS SEPARATE COMPLETELY FROM THE PREVIOUS STORY. Your regularly scheduled story will resume after this announcement: I JUST DID EXACTLY WHAT I WAS AFRAID I WAS GOING TO DO. There is a flaw in my female observation system. The flaw is... Girls. Do you tender a guess? I bet if you think about it you'll figure it out. I'll give you a hint: So that I don't tip my hand, and tell you I like you before I discover if you like me, I don't stare at you. I obser...

ANGELIKA RODRIGUEZ for some office, sometime! (independent) To make a long story short, I got a phone call from a very nice girl (as I am a nice boy) who worked with me, over the phone. And we solved the issues from both directions.  She runs the rooms. I could tell. Cool. I am leaving this up as a teaching tool. Could I have gotten my money back another way? Not sure. Was it fun doing it that way? Yep. SUMMARY: I got about half my money back I thought I was owed. Now I feel... not upset at this hotel. A bit upset at myself for staying in a hotel on NYEve and not expecting an exponential rate hike. It may take longer than I thought to beat these people. Cause celebre here I come. ---------- Forwarded message --------- From: Wolf Alexander < congressmanalexander@gmail.com > Date: Thu, Jan 2, 2025, 10:34 Subject: The Fidi Hotel Congressional Review To: < hello@thefidinyc.com > Hello girls and boys! Have you ever had a big company rip you off and ...

I gave'm hell, Harry! ---------- Forwarded message --------- From: Wolf Alexander < congressmanalexander@gmail.com > Date: Wed, Jan 1, 2025, 22:14 Subject: Re: Hello To: < hello@thefidinyc.com > Oh! I almost forgot. You charged me ~$35 to book! the room I was already in. Jesse James, in order to rob the Rock Island Railroad, had had to get up early in the morning and risk his life to make off with $3,000.  You can see what pikers Mr. James and his crowd were alongside of some real artists. ---Congressman Alexander On Wed, Jan 1, 2025, 22:02 Wolf Alexander < congressmanalexander@gmail.com > wrote: To Whom it May Concern of Fidi Upper Management, I am staying in room 307.  There is an issue with my bill. You are charging me three times the available online rate because I added nights through the front desk (note the attachment). The rate I received for my first two nights was ~$200 after all fees etc. About what I was quoted for tonigh...

While waiting to do stand-up AT THE FABULOUS! St. Mark's Comedy Club. https://www.stmarkscomedyclub.com/ This is what I do when I am awaiting female attention. Direct attention is nicer! Girl did I walk over here fast.  No boy can keep up wih me unless they run. Especially when there's traffic.  If you can imagine this airplane... Flying down the sidewalk, that's about how I appear to the public. That's an F-86 Sabre.