Bushwick is Cooler than Williamsburg
Technical difficulties on my laptop (no wifi atm) and the bell went!...
And now the internet turned on. But I already started this on my phone. SAVE AS DRAFT!...
That's better. I can write if not faster, as fast more comfortably with a real keyboard. IN FACT you have got to buy one of these if you have enough disposable income for a coffee a day:
AD BREAK!
I am running for Congress in New York's Tenth! The Flyin' Tenth!
Raise your hand if you watched Stephen Colbert's "Better Know a District".
(I thought I was going to be reading this aloud)
If you're not familiar. Stephen Colbert had a much better show called "The Colbert Report". He interviewed a bunch of our representatives and they all, looked bad. Some worse than others. The worst was a Congressman from Georgia who never shut up about the Ten Commandments and then could. Not name, all ten. I can't remember how many he got. I fell off my chair laughing in my dorm.
THANKS TORI!
*****
SPRINT 1:
I asked if I could send this because this event seemed like an opportunity to get my name around. By now you probably know I'm running for Congress.
Not by now as I'm writing. By now as you're reading.
This is an enjoyable and helpful opportunity for people to write with social energy behind it, which is fun. However I thought, since I didn't read the description carefully, that this was a write and tell kinda group.
I don't have any problem making time or energy for writing as maybe you know or will know from browsing my newspaper with thousands of new words every week!
Your advice to "just write something even if it's "I can't think of anything to write"" or however you phrased it, was exactly perfect.
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Since I thought we were going to read our five minute sprint essays I was saving the big reveal that I am running for Congress. At the moment everyone thinks I'm just somebody. Everyone even me is "just somebody." I mean I missed an opportunity to get famous.
Recipe to Get Famous: Do something very unique, fun, well intentioned and tell a million people. Or as close to that as you can.
I am considering not staying for rounds 2 and 3. Not because this isn't a cool event. But I write when I am inspired to write. Having a time planned for me to write is the opposite of my routine.
My inner 3rd grader is rebelling at the idea of two more 25 minute book reports even though I get to choose the topic. I don't want to be rude and leave early. However...
However I'm not sure. I am definitely going to use all of this first 25 minutes to continue writing this bomb-ass broadsheet.
My newspaper is called "Congressman Alexander's Broadsheet". This is going in the newspaper.
When I was walking here I made a wrong turn and went "almost a sixth of the way across [Brooklyn], in the wrong, direction!" and took a Lyft, which I am loath to do, so I wouldn't be late.
When you were talking about walking here I was happy because I feel the same way. Why ride when you can walk?
*****
I don't want you to edit my book but can you tell your friends about my campaign?
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I don't know what to write about. I don't know what to write about. I don't know what to write about. How long can I do that? I don't know what to write about. How long can you keep reading it? I don't know what to write about.
Family Guy is funnier to watch.
I am figuring out how to maximize my campaign. Because I am not raising any money, deliberately. I have to invent ways to tell people about myself. If you saw, I wear a cape with my name and website on it. There's a better version on deck. Yellow instead of black. Yellow like Dick Tracey. Batman is weak. What kind of lame ass super hero doesn't want people to know it's him? Why bother being.a superhero without feminine recognition?
Warren Beatty played Dick Tracey and when I saw it I didn't know he was a serial misogynist.
Is it possible to... how do I phrase this. Very, very carefully.
Is it possible to enjoy the company of women without being an asshole? I strive for that.
Hunter S. Thompson and Lester Bangs showed me that it doesn't matter what is going on in your writing. You're in charge. You can change the scene without announcement.
CHANGING TO COMEDY!
I may stay for the full time. SPOILER: I stayed.
But I'm still not sure. I like to wait until the very last second a decision is required before making it, so I have 1) plenty of time to consider it, 2) all of the latest information, and 3) it's fun to play chicken with myself.
Procrastination or preperation?
I am working on my preparation procedures.
*****
SPRINT 2
Am I allowed to change topics?
I can't think of anything to write. I could write a dialogue with myself which you might find funny.
I am not going to write a dialogue with myself. As of this sentence. That could change though. Standby.
So far no change. I am not going to write a dialogue with myself.
Nope. No change here either.
Airplane and The Naked Gun and Spaceballs as maybe you caught and/or watched inspires my writing.
How many girls in this group think I'm gay? Hopefully none but straight boys don't dress like me. "The Whole Nine Yards" is my clothing line.
That I am never going to have. There's enough clothing selection available. As a celebrity I am going to be very different. No endorsing anything I don't love.
Also: I will deal with the paparazzi differently. Either I will be the one buying the photos, or they will take one photo and that's the last one they'll take. They won't go to the hospital but they will go away. Celebrities get all this success and then can't go to Whole Foods without some cocksucker bothering them.
I like to be bothered. By half of the population. Not by the other half.
Arranging that is a social engineering project. Explicitly: I don't want to interact with men. At all. For the rest of life as I know it.
*****
"Kill all the men except me." Is that a good campaign slogan?
If I was a billionaire I would put that on billboards all over the city. If I was a billionaire I would open up businesses that don't actually do anything. So you'd walk in expecting a FedEx and someone would offer you a joint and say "yeah this isn't a real FedEx".
Not on camera. That's not particularly nice. Pranking the unsuspecting public. I want to prank the billionaires. I'd like to have Elon Musk's Tesla caught by a giant magnet on a crane and leave him hanging a hundred feet up for a while.
Am I allowed to edit the stuff I wrote from Sprint 1? I feel like that's cheating. And yet I don't want to send you typos.
I will edit for typos and egregiously bad phrases but not beyond.
*****
I hate AI suggesting what to write. The people who program AI to write are not writers. While AI gets the ARTIFICIAL gist of some writers, it ain't me. Therefore I don't like being told by Gmail that I should rephrase something.
I am going to tell Google to rephrase their tax payouts. Specifically all the billionaire owners of it are going to fork it the fuck over. Cool?
Who am I asking if it's cool? This is Bushwick. This is Progressive country. Soak the Super Rich! is in every heart.
*****
SPRINT 3!
I lied a little bit before. I said I wasn't going to edit for content but I did a few times and I'm not done so BRB!
*****
Back. How much time's left? I would ask but being a loud boy is something I am trying not to do. Unless other boys are being loud and then I am loud to shut them up. If necessary.
It's nice being in a group of creativity that's at least half the better sex. The standup open mics I go to and am going to after this are usually boy heavy.
*****
On my soon to be made sign I am saying that Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is endorsing me. Which is a lie and yet she would if she knew me. I was imagining her finding out that someone running for Congress against her colleague whatever is his name is Democrat, the current Congressman in the 10th... I could Google it but why give him the respect he's not giving me?...
I imagine her finding out that "some guy is walking around Lower Manhattan saying you are supporting his campaign"... I have a crush on her, it'll get her attention. Seems like it will be funny. And like I said, I would earn her endorsement if she wasn't a party politician.
*****
"The moving fairy tale is nearing it's end. Please watch your step."
This was fun. A pleasant surprise after a little disappointment. But that other group where we get to share exists so what is there to be sad about? Once a month, maybe. I don't know if I want to do the zoom. I want to be out in the real world as much as possible.
You have been reading "Bushwick is Cooler than Williamsburg" by Wolf Alexander!
