A Hell of a Tinder Date


---------- Forwarded message ---------
From: Wolf Alexander <congressmanalexander@gmail.com>
Date: Thu, Jan 9, 2025, 11:26
Subject: Re: Throwing a Hail Bari
To: <careers@thefp.com>, <tips@thefp.com>

OP/ED begins now:

I am enjoying "Girls" for the first time and who said Lena Dunham wasn't hot? I read critics gave her unending meanness about her weight but she wasn't fat. She wasn't unattractive at all quite the opposite.

She was chubby. So? Chubby is as hot as thin. She was super cute it makes me upset that she believed one word of that stupid-boy-speak.

It makes me more upset that so many awesome girls have such lousy "men". Torched, girls. The other boys, by me. I know what you want:

Chivalry in a gangster who makes the law but not for you.

Am I off?

"Girls" is the opposite of "The Sopranos". I switched in the middle of season two. I couldn't take listening to another angry male. At least the boys in "Girls" are sufficiently weak it's tolerable when they speak.

Meanwhile Jemima Kirke, the British girl, who I messaged on Instagram after her character Jessa said "I am unsmotable", is really, really atttactive. Jessa is so bad... I can only assume she, Mlle. Kirke, is similar. 

Thus I DM'ed her. I am not lying about myself so why not ask her out?


I am not expecting her to reply any more than my editor-at-large, Ms. Bari Weiss, of The Free Press. 

Nonetheless they are hearing me. The words or intimation "I am the best boy" has been received.

I guess I gotta smote some motha fuckin' boys.

Non-violently and legally of course. From the stage. I am going to be a comedian. New York City has open mics every hour every day.

Fame! It's a guaranteed cure for lack of female attention.

Except I would rather write than hold a microphone. I have no stage fright. More like stage boredom. 

I feel like I am on stage OFF stage. Getting continental breakfast this morning I felt like a celebrity being watched. I like it.

Another hot scene with Jessa being unstoppable. I get off on that. Girls who kick ass. 

As I typed Shoshana turned and beat up a boy who was following her. Good! All girls gotta do that. I wrote the same a few days ago.

Anyway when I've gotten on stage it's been a letdown.

Ideas, girl(s)?

How do I get your attention and keep it? I am, the best boy. 

 If you don't know you won't ask me out.

I want an "I am unsmotable!" girl to demand me. Then I'll know I am dealing with an aggressive enough woman.

Pretty girls are everywhere. Warrior hellions are not. Are you a warrior hellion?

--Wolf Alexander for Congress

On Wed, Jan 8, 2025, 17:46 Wolf Alexander <congressmanalexander@gmail.com> wrote:
Hey Bari,

This is not the way to write this email, but this is how I enjoy writing.

I have respected you as a journalist for a long time. 

I would like to write for your magazine. You don't have to pay me.

Here is a writing sample I am crafting off the cuff:

"Every once in a while, someone stands up for what is right against their career interests.

That person was you.

I hope it's worked out. The system doesn't like a rebel. You are definitely a rebel. 

Groupthink and Bari Weiss do not belong in this sentence together! I hope you recognize a fellow traveler."

*****

I could write more. Do you want more?

Imagine Hunter S. Thompson came back to life and sent you an email saying, "hey, give me space for a thousand words a week."

What would you say?

If you'd say yes to him, you should say yes to me.

Cheers!

-Alex

--Wolf Alexander

SpitfireHunter.com




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