I Don't Believe in Lesbians

(to a bunch of chapters of the National Organization of Women)

The coolest girls I am meeting at UVA are "lesbians."

I don't believe you don't want me because you like girls. You never met a boy like me.

Other boys can't turn you on. You may have no idea you even like boys, since you've never talked to a real one.

If you don't like me as a person, after we hang out that's different. That's a valid reason not to have sex with me forever. But "I am a lesbian" is not a rational answer to my question "do you want to go out with me?"

Wait don't hate me! There's a secret you'll love behind what I am saying. Also I am trying to be funny. I am only half as obnoxious as I seem.

You might be a lesbian because every boy but me sucks. You have met subpar boys your entire life and you'd rather hang with a fun girl than a boring boy.

I get you. I feel the same way about straight girls. They're all the same.

So. Just because you "are a lesbian" doesn't mean I don't want you as much as a cheerleader. More. I want you more.
You're interesting. Different. 

Your girlfriend will be pissed when I take you from her but I don't care. Sorry girlfriend. Threesome?

:0)

-Alex

--Wolf Alexander, US Congressman '26

P.S. Give me a chance. I wanna talk tonight about how you saved my life.

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