"Middle-Aged Boy" Fantasy Camp

COMING COMEDY ATTRACTIONS!

A good female friend told me this essay gives off lots of bad vibes.

I am leaving it published anyway because it's funny. It's sort of a stand-up routine in letter form.

---------- Forwarded message ---------
From: Wolf Alexander <congressmanalexander@gmail.com>
Date: Sat, Oct 12, 2024, 2:17 PM
Subject: "Middle-Aged Man" Fantasy Camp
To: modernlove@nytimes.com <modernlove@nytimes.com>, brianarea@gmail.com <brianarea@gmail.com>, helen@dutchuncle.co.uk <helen@dutchuncle.co.uk>, <may@cmaygallery.com>
Cc: <gfmiller@unm.edu>, Seth Sturm <sethsturm@gmail.com>

Dear Daniel Jones and Brian Rea,

Unless you have brass balls you won't publish this in Modern Love, but 1970 Rolling Stone would have. Or Playboy!

Enjoy!

***** 

From Charlottesville, Virginia!

Upon The Corner there arose such a clatter! They sprang from their sororities to see what was the matter!

I am moving to The University of Virginia on Halloween so I can have sex with as many hot college girls as possible.

Two years worth, until I win my election to the House of Representatives. Wilt Chamberlain minus the children.

I am 39. I don't care. I am hot and they are hot.

That's the end but I need more words.

Believe it or not this is a love story. True love. Soulmate love. Fairy tale love.

Really it is. Congressman swear.

"But we thought you were Van Wilder. Which is it?"

I want to find my forever-girlfriend.

The best way to meet a person is to have sex with them. Actually it's the pillow-talk afterward that is vital. 

So I have to take one for the team. I have to sleep with, mathematically, 10,000 girls to find the best girl out of 100,000,000. 

Basically the best girl in America.

Fortunately at UVA there are 10,000 super smart girls running around. As college students they are mostly thin enough to be attractive (and that's all it takes). 

As young-adults they are still fun.

I hat old people. Even ones younger than I am. They are no fun. When my peers and I were in school we agreed: "Adults Suck." And now they all suck too.

I am The Best of My Kind.

I am also really excited because the first time I went to college I didn't get much action. And now I get another turn!

UPenn. I went to Penn.

So now that I am trained in the female arts, I am ready to collect my treasure: every sexy 18 year old and older vivacious enough to demand me.

(Editor's Note: I wrote this for two middle aged boys, not you. I have been editing it to talk to you, girl(s) but I gotta stop or I'll have to delete too much.)

Girls and boys of a certain age don't like when boys my age get with people much younger. Because you all want to but can't because you're now old losers.

That doesn't affect me. It's legal. I can wait outside the DMV until they are 18 years and one second old. Not that I would. 

Just sayin' I could. And am, sort of.

And so would you! my clever friend if not for George Costanza's "society!" But I digress.

Your problem is you are a wuss. Mine will be my sore dick. How do I have sex 10 times a day for 700 straight days?

That's probably a fantasy. But that's my intent! 

Ideally I want to be invited to a different sorority house each week for "maintenance and security work," and forget to leave because they won't let me.

How many words is that?

Sorry for my anger. But you won't publish this because you're gay. Not sexually. And not that there's anything wrong with that if you are. I mean you're dead already. I didn't work this hard to make myself a brilliant baddass only to not get hot sexy young women because "I am too old" for them.

If they want to fuck me then I am not too old for them.

I am not too old for them. You are too old for them. You can't outhike me. Out serve me. Or out silly me. 

I am so childish and it's an asset!

Beer pong? I'm a sniper.

So how exactly are they younger than I am? On paper. In no way except experientially.

So?

I am not trying to manipulate soft, shy, "innocent" girls. They are, I agree, not mature enough for me by a big moat.

I want girls who want to fuck. Who go out hunting for boys to fuck. 

Most Gen Z girls see Gen Z boys as weaker than you were. Yet they are the most empowered girls, ever! So they are seriously horny for Steve McQueen. They are seriously horny for me.

You know how hot the college girls are now? 

Gen Z girls are unstoppable. They are in charge. Like Baby Boomer feminists except them all.

As a boy who wants to be with Joan of Arc's soulsister, I am wisest to select from Gen Z, and I won't be stopped from finding her!

INTERMISSION

*****

Get up and stretch for a sec. I'll be right back. Smoke a blunt?

*****

OKAY I'M BACK!

*****

What am I doing?

I am running for Congress. 

"Hi I am Alex I'm running for Congress."

That's the best pickup line ever invented. It's an excuse to talk to every pretfy girl I want to without another reason. It's awkward to hit on girls without another reason besides "do you want to have sex?" 

"Hi I'm Wolf Alexander I am running for Congress!"

Of course I will be doing more than that.

To win I have to be famous. To be famous I have to be outlandish.

(FROM MAJOR LEAGUE!)

Jake Taylor: "Well you're a celebrity now Vaughn."

Ricky Vaughn: "I gotta do something good to be a celebrity."

Jake Taylor: "Not if you do it colorfully!"

VAN WILDER IS OUTLANDISH.

The most outlandish college character ever. Animal House is outlandish.

EXACTLY HOW I AM.

It's a self fullfilling, checks and balances, prophesy.  

I am fucking party busses full of hot girls. I am running for Congress. I am becoming famous.

Can you imagine it? Jackass meets Knock Down the House meets Histoire de ma vie.

The most ridiculous campaign for public office ever filmed. Unfailable. It's funny if I lose and I am going to win.

HALFWAY DONE SAVE YOUR GAME

Do you have game, reader who is a boy?

I didn't. Then I found it. Then I stopped using it for 15 years so I could figure out who I wanted, to be with, with it.

What's the use of falling in love with 10,000 girls if I don't get my favorite one to love forever?

I know who she is. Exactly. She has 20 personality chacteristics.

1. She says she's hot.

2. She says I am hot.

3. She says it, is hot (global warming).

4. She says "I want to fuck you," in just that way.

5. She lets me fuck her through the drywall.

6. She wants to fuck me all day and every day and wants me to return the favor.

7. She doesn't think it's weird to enjoy sex more than everything else. She thinks you're weird for thinking that's weird.

8. She wants to fuck me in the wilderness where we'll live.

9. She wants to fuck me smoking weed.

10. She doesn't want to fuck anyone but me and she knows I only want to fuck her.

11. She loves this essay.

12. She thinks you're a square for being disgusted.

13. She thinks it's funny. She thinks everything inappropriate is funny.

14. She has been waiting for me as much as I've been waiting for her.

15. She thinks she's smarter than I am even though she finds me fascinating.

16. She never wants to grow up.

17. She knows what a she is.

18. She doesn't know what god is except bullshit.

19. She doesn't want me out of her sight.

20. She talks to my spirit as I talk to hers.

Those are her LATITUDE coordinates.

These are her LONGITUDE coordinates written in her voice:

1. I'm Smart-Book & street smart. 

2. I'm Creative-I love making things. 

3. I'm Funny-I will make you laugh!

4. I'm Honest-I would never lie to you. 

5. I'm Loyal-Like Lassie.

6. I'm Athletic-I love sports and I'm not fat.

7. I'm a Sexaholic-But with my one lover only. 

8. I'm a Rebel-I hate authority! 

9. I'm a Tomboy-Just like Idgie in Fried Green Tomatoes. 

10, I'm a Wilderness Lover-Yes I want to homestead! 

11. I'm a Pothead-I can outsmoke you 24/7. 

12. I'm Tidy and Organized-I'm always ready for battle. 

13. I'm Nicotine Free-Yuck I hate nicotine. 

14. I'm Cool-I don't call the cops on people. 

15. I'm a Minimalist-I own only what I need to survive. 

16. I'm Psychedelician-Those are the only drugs I do. 

17. I'm a NeverMommer-I don't have and never want kids! 

18. I'm a Lone Wolf-I can be pretty happy by myself.

19. I'm super clingy-I want to be inseparable!

20. I'm not religious-God is bullshit!

I don't want this to be edited. Writing is my painting not our painting. Do you tell Pollock "more black?" No. So you're not gonna tell me you are a better writer than I am and demand edits.

You are the publisher. I am the editor. You are the chump. I am going to be The Champ. 

If I don't get arrested, hurt, or heartbroken. I am not getting arrested, hurt, or heartbroken, and I will be happy in love with her, and she with I, as soon as we find each other!

-Alex

--Wolf Alexander

---The Spitfire Hunter!

----Congressman Alexander

P.S. 304-871-4759. The Daily Pennsylvanian surprised me. Evan Goldin called and said I was a columnist as I was driving back to Philly. It was the proudest real world moment I ever had.

I hope you will surprise me.

P.P.S. Is that 1500?

P.P.P.S. Tell him he can edit this part out if he wants to edit something.

P.P.P.P.S. You just did.