For Future President John Adams

October 24, 2024

Whew. That's the most effort I've ever put into one piece of writing in one sitting.

SOS HARVARD!

There's a long original email after THIS NATIONAL BREAKING NEWS:

What's breaking news? News about glass jars breaking?

THE POLICE SUCK is one headline except they are just doing The job.

The Man's job?

Harvard Crimson. You are the best Ivy League School's newspaper.

Ergo the best university newspaper in America.

DEFEND. your. Amendment. With me, journalists. DEFEND OUR AMENDMENT!

I got harassed today by the Charlottesville. No, excuse me, the University of Virginia PD because I'm trying to run for Congress in the craziest possible legal way.

The fact that I emailed your entire paper and now four papers combined in the Ivy league at the same time, is evidence of my craziest, possible legal way.

Nonetheless, I got bothered and I f****** hate it and I want you to do something about it. Journalists, I want you to get off your f****** ass and complain.

To the public!

Please.

The details are not important. Either I have a right to free speech, or I don't. I am not yelling fire in a crowded theater. I am being a Jackass to get attention from girls.

You are allowed to find that distasteful, but you are not allowed to let me be assaulted by the gestapo because you find it distasteful. That's not being a journalist. As Michael Kosta of the Daily Show demonstrated this evening or yesterday. Whenever it was. You can deliver the news and you can deliver your opinion. But the audience has to be clear what parts are what part.

https://youtu.be/q-jBHaGqM98?si=gKNJ_VBRiKxhQLSk

(Above the Daily Show segment about "Trump's Hitler Love")

If you noticed that I avoided the point I was trying to make, good. You're smart.

You are also a reader with a pen, and are of no group. You represent the facts. The truth. The story. What actually happened. You are supposed to document it accurately so historians can write the summaries.

Cough history major.

So that we learn something and improve.

I haven't seen much improvement lately. There's a f****** a******, jackass lunatic about to become President again, except Tim Walz did turn it on a little bit. It's in the Daily Show video.

Thank you Tim. Give'm more hell!

I'm pretty sure that's because of my tweet to you and John Fetterman and the DNC and Kamala #Kgirl Harris you're welcome! :0) That was awesome.

https://x.com/aWolfAlexander/status/1849114632901796275?t=JRrFQYNn5P_6KLtUNfjuGQ&s=19

I am an independent!!!!!!!!

For goddamn ever.

How many of.you want to kick ass in life? I do, I do!

I'm really just a sensitive artist. But the police treated me like I'm Tony Soprano, meets Osama Bin Laden.

The only terrorist-gangsters I approve of are Robin Hood and Michael Irish Collins and Neslon Mandela.

I SAID ROBIN HOOD!

#SoakTheSuperRich

#DaFangThePolice

#TheFirstAmendmentForever?

FREEDOM OF THE PRESS. It doesn't say freedom of the press, except.

I don't see "except" anywhere in that Amendment. Not in the Freedom of Speech bit either.

The police like to think of the Constitution last, if ever, if they have to. Like it's something to joke about. If Thomas Jefferson had known this was going to happen, he would have ensured there was an Amendment against organized law enforcement.

That's what's disgusting. The amount of power any police officer of any police department in any place in the country has. If they think you deserve to die, they can almost get away with killing you for no reason. If they think you deserve to go to jail. Well, they can definitely get away with that for any reason. Only Donald Trump, using Herculean amounts of money, has been able to keep himself out of jail. Everybody else is f***** by the system immediately upon the handcuffs going click.

*****

So journalists of the Ivy League!!! How many of you want to kick ass in life? Follow me. Help me. Love me? Cheer! for me.

And some of you have the courage to write about me. Perty please? Be as mean as you want.

Later Harvard.

Quakers rule I was kidding.

-Alex

-----Congressman Wolf Alexander

----The Spitfire Hunter

---Admiral of the Sky

--I can make these up all day.

FULL STOP

*****

(old email I was going to send you begins now)

High Harvard! An almost girlfriend of mine wrote for you in 2006 and 7 and 8. Sachi Ezura.

We never hooked up. I shoulda kissed her when I walked her to the door of her hotel in Galway. Although we weren't right for each other, so it woulda just been hot sex.

Speaking of hot hookups. Mademoiselles of The Crimson and friends. Have you ever had a celebrity hit on you? You are now.

INTERMISSION:

My campaign manager says I shouldn't write this email how I am writing it. Too much personality.

Anyway HAHvahd. Penn is a better school. Suck it.

Come on wokesters. I am woke too. "FUCK! THE! MAN!"

That's the core of progressivism. I ain't gonna fuck him. I'm gonna "kill him."

;0)

OKAY THE LETTER TO JOHN ADAMS, your alumnus. Pretend it's October 1757 please.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Adams

DISCLAIMER: THIS IS A FICTIONAL STORY. IT'S OBVIOUSLY NOT SEVENTEEN FIFTY SEVEN. SO THE VIOLENCE IN THE STORY COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE REAL.

It seems crazy to me to have to explain this. That sticks and stones are not nouns and verbs. Someone can yell at me all day long that they're going to kill me. But as long as they don't actually try, what's the difference?

Maybe I am the last human alive that agrees

ANYWAY the letter:

Dear John,

I've always wanted to write one of those. Oh you don't get that. Sorry.

Right, you English-loyal swine. One day you may change your mind and be a rebel. Then you'll make it illegal for others to do that. The Alien and Sedition Acts. Yeah fuck you for that Patriot Act of 1798.

But that's 40 years from now.

You craved battle and took up a law book instead. That's why you tried to make battling illegal in politics. Disgusting. You are my least favorite President.

Except it's 1757. Better join the French and Indian side Johnny Boy. Or some "heathen" friends of mine may visit you in Worcester.

Jefferson lives. You not so much.

Your obedient servant,

-Nathaniel Bumppo

--The Spirit of the Wilderness Democracy

---Hawkeye! (in The Last of The Mohicans (movie))

On Wed, Oct 23, 2024, 3:09 PM Wolf Alexander <congressmanalexander@gmail.com> wrote:

Hola Brown University!

I am writing to the Brown University Daily Something To Do Besides Pay Attention in Class.

Your newspaper!

Me llama Alexander.

Yes I spell checked. Why?

HARK from what yonder Ivy breaks? Alright here's the deal:

The @SpitfireHunter is on TikTok!

I am he.

You are an educated adult. When I tell you I am going to be Congressman! Wolf Alexander in two years and change, I am going to be. Yale already knows. So does Columbia. See who receives this?

(Read past the P.S.)

Anyway. Educated adult, please do your reading of my broadsheet at SpitfireHunter.com. Also girls older than eighteen who attend Brown are invited to sleep with me, sex suggested. Call 304-871-4759.

Brown Girls and white Brown girls and brown Brown girls and black Brown girls and... all the colors.

Girls you are invited.

R.S.V.P. by taking the train to Charlottesville -- trains are fun -- and finding me. I won't be hard to find. Go to the campus and ask somebody "have you seen Congressman Alex lately?"

You have stiff competition from UVA girls though Brown girls. It's not as good of a school supposedly but who the hell wants to live in Rhode Island?

You're welcome.

:0)

-Alex

P.S. This is where I say stuff that's extra.

P.P.S. Family Guy?

On Tue, Oct 22, 2024, 11:12 AM Wolf Alexander <congressmanalexander@gmail.com> wrote:
Hey Yale! Oh I said that already.

What's the rumpus? That's Gen G for what's up?

Did I tell you I'm running for Congress? No that was Columbia's Spectator (go down).

I am running for Congress! I'm a Penn grad. So you suck but you're alright. What the hell is your mascot anyway?

Oh cool! The Bulldogs I forgot. Better than the Quakers. How does a Quaker kick ass?

Well, I am a Cavalier now. Unofficially. I just campaign there. What else do you want to talk about?

Wanna send me money? DON'T please I am not raising any. Seems fair'er to my opponent in '26 John McGuire. Poor bastard doesn't know he's term limited to one by me and he hasn't even won yet!

Independent. As the day isn't night. And I am a boy what are you?

If you're a girl and without a boyfriend I know a boy who wants to meet you...

Internship? No I am kidding. I do all of my sexual harrassment from the stand-up stage @SpitfireHunter on TikTok.

That's Alexander with an A. Wolf Alexander, for Congress.

-Alex

On Tue, Oct 22, 2024, 10:35 AM Wolf Alexander <congressmanalexander@gmail.com> wrote:
Mademoiselles,

How awesome! that you run your entire newspaper. Almost every top job is held by a girl. The patriarchy is dead. Long live the matriachy!

Really it's cool and about time that "women are in charge" in America. Unofficially until Kamala wins but overall you're doing very well.

Hi I am running for Congress in Virginia. I was one of you at The Daily Pennsylvanian. Find my OpEd about sleeping with Amy Guttman when she was the President.

Are any of you single?

I am informing the entire Ivy League journalism community about my run for the Capitol. You're the first, Columbia!

SpitfireHunter.com if you wanna read my, paper.

Yes this does sound like an email from The Daily Show. That's the spirit of my campaign! Satirical but legitimate. I am an independent but have half a platform of super-progressive ideas you will love.

Like "Soak the Super Rich" and "Defang the Police" and Direct Demcracy. I love abortions so much I want drive-thru locations.

Help me. Or at least enjoy watching me kick The Man's ass on TikTok.

---Congressman Alex

--Wolf Alexander

Virginia's Fifth District is for Lovers!

2026

Congressman Alexander's Broadsheet

For Future President John Adams

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