US Naval Intelligence ONI Report for PRESIDENT ZELENSKYY

Dear Sir, Mr. President, Volodymyr,

I thought you might appreciate an "intelligence briefing" from an American who knows some but can't tell all, regarding various important things of Ukraine's concern.

1. Something to think about: if we give you your ICBMs back what would you do with them? 

2. Are you working on a "Mossad-like" solution for your disagreement with Mr. Putin? You should. The Israelis know how to pull the weed up by the root. That is not a position officially endorsed by the Navy and/or the Administration but nonetheless... don't miss.

3. If something big blew up in Vladivostok that would be most impressive. Like our Doolittle Raid on Tokyo. The Russians won't believe you can do anything to them in the East. Will wound them deeply. 

4. For cheap thrills, launch a bunch of hot air balloons filled with whatever - cartoons of Putin would work - and have dozens if not hundreds of them drift over Russia. They'll have to shoot them all down, costing a fortune and showering the areas with leaflets.

5. Challenge Vladimir to any kind of "test of manhood." Call him out on social media every, day. Say you can kick his ass in a fair fight. Emasculate him. Call him old! Annoy him into making mistakes and looking foolish and dottering. He is vulnerable about his masculinity and age. Very.

6. This will affect your grain exports. Negatively in the short term. Positively in the long:

Grant "letters of marque" to enterprising Ukrainian boatmen on the Black Sea. Arm them, float them, and allow them to privateer against all Russian naval and commercial sea forces. Do not give them orders. Independent rebellious ingenuity will grow among seafaring Ukrainians and they will sink everything the Russians have. 

7. We wouldn't mind if you gave India a reason to wedge itself between Russia and China. Think of some, please. 

8. We would mind if you recognized Taiwan completely, gave them an embassy and asked for one in return, etc. We would mind very much if you made Taiwan your new best ally and pledged Ukrainian support against any Chinese invasion. We would be very unhappy if you cut relations with China altogether as if they were Russia. Do it anyway. The American people will cheer that on.

Do it anyway against all NATO protest. China, not Russia is why you haven't won yet. Why pretend? It'll be good for all concerned.

9. Be a bit more your old self. A bit more humorous. You are always so serious seeming, which is appropriate. But now that "the tide is turning," because it will, you should appear more jocular. Your character from your show. Nothing will annoy your opponent more than you winning and laughing about it.

That's all for now. Support my run for Congress with your internet army if you appreciated these suggestions. After I win I will get you those missiles.

--Wolf Alexander, independent, VA-5 2026.

-Alex