News Dossier on UVA Congressman

Dear Journalist of Charlottesville,

This is how I introduce myself. 

You work at The Daily Progress. I am running for Congress against what's his name O'Brien? Murphy?

McGuire. It doesn't matter.

I am running for Congress for our district. The Fightin' Fifth!

You have never heard of me and I am not expecting a front page story tomorrow. I do expect you to have heard of me the next time.

From an Ivy League journalist, remember my name.

Congressman Alexander. 

Wolf Alexander. 

Alex.

What good I am going to do to our republic will be stunning as you reread this email three years from now. A year after I electrify the country by unseating a Republican in a red district raising no money whatsoever. Months after I realign the sold out solar system of the Capitol Building. 

"Extra! Extra! "Tsunamigate" Begins with Congressman Alexander's Arrival in Washington!"

Pretend with me a moment. It won't hurt you. Pretend the only business yet to be disrupted is the two-party system. Now pretend I am the disrupter.

It hasn't. Been done. Every major industry beginning with the record has been democritized by the Internet. Some so long ago they re-formed into oligarchies.

The only one left is politics. That dinosaur is still alive.

I GOT HIM.

No one in America has become the social media politician. Andrew Yang came the closest. From zero to hero I mean. From nobody to national power player. No one has done that yet. 

Wait. AOC kinda did. But she stopped at New Member Orientation.

I will be the first. You read it here. I am The! Independent. And I will carry through beyond ascending to power and finish the work which has never been started.

A REDISTRIBUTION OF WEALTH IN AMERICA! Pour-down Economics. Removing the levers of control from the hands of the super-rich and powerful.

The metephorical death of every K Street lobbyist in Washington.

That's just a taste. Read my platform. How many numbers do you agree with? There's something for everyone! Liberals. Conservatives. Progressives and MAGA. It's balanced with extremes and comes out down the middle. I have solutions to every major national problem I can think of. And room for your! ideas too.

My campaign is designed for maximum attention and minimum interference. I will be famous and unstoppably ahead before you write your first story about me, I bet.

I have to become a comet to win, so I will do whatever I have to do short of getting arrested or hurt. Do not mistake satire and do expect to disagree with my tactics. I know what I'm doing. 

An extraordinary accomplishment can only be accomplished extraordinarily.

You will see me in town and on campus. You will hear myths and legends about my campaign. Maybe you'll watch me on TikTok @SpitfireHunter or read my Broadsheet at SpitfireHunter.com. 

It's all going to be part of "The Harry S. Truman Show!" Meaning totally honest and knowable everywhere all at once. The new way every poltician will have to act to get votes after I raise the standard. 

I wil bring fresh air for all who want stuff fixed, finally. Singlehandedly I will improve Congress's approval rating to above 50%; for, following my lead, hundreds of honest independents will win in 2028.

You hopefully will smile, and cheer! For if you still hold out hope someone will do something at very long last for every underdog, I. Will.

THE MAN IS GOING DOWN.

"Spotlight!"