High I'm Mr. Bigger

She's way... way! too plastic for me.

---------- Forwarded message ---------
From: Wolf Alexander <congressmanalexander@gmail.com>
Date: Thu, Nov 14, 2024, 3:20 PM
Subject: High I'm Mr. Bigger
To: <jana.hocking@mailonline.com>

Dear Jana,

I read your article. 

Would you like to hear a story?

If you think that "guy" is a hotshot…

He is a lousy soulmate. And you don't really want him. You just like the experience of him. The "notch."

I dig that. But if you don't mind, allow me to use your article as the framework for mine. To show you what a real boy is:

"They sell themselves like a business deal. Forget dinner conversation about the weather — within an hour, I knew everything about his vasectomy, how much money he made, his upstate weekend house, and yes, even his … ahem … big schlong."

I brag in my newspaper. When I am talking to "you," I want to know all about you. You are why I am talking to you. I love questions about me but those are your desires being manifested in my answers, not me holding court.

"No joke. He slid that last bit in there so casually, I almost choked on my martini. As I excused myself to go to the bathroom, I had to process the smoothest sales pitch I'd ever heard. These men don't just seduce you; they negotiate you into bed — and they're damn good at it."

My Washington Monument is regular size. But remember how he wasn't listening to you at dinner? That repeats in the bedroom. Yes he probably was good as an athlete but as a lover? Who "hears your body?" 

I can beat him.

"He'll leave you on 'read' for hours. Just like the billionaires he works with, his personal life is strictly outside of business hours. And don't take his calendar as flexible. If you're dating a "Mr. Big," you're dating the busiest man in New York."

And no. You will get lovingly charmed to life by me at all times if you enjoy the attention and respond the same. I love the girl I am talking to even if it's for five minutes. I would skip on lunch with the President, for you, if you were mine. 

"He barely lets you get a word in. Big egos need their space to shine. Sure, he might toss a question your way every now and then, but before you know it, he's effortlessly steering the conversation back to himself. Is it a little narcissistic? Maybe. But it also leads me to my next point …"

You hear my ego? It's as big as Taylor Swift's. Yet you are the star! You are my star. Or you would be if we went on a date. I think I am cool but hanging out with myself is not happiness to me. Hanging out with "you" is happiness. You and your! fire. What's that about?

"His grand gestures? A cover for a fragile ego. It's only once you've left the date that you start getting a clearer picture, usually by text, of how much reassurance he really needs."

I am a terrible texter. Because I want maximum girlfriend at all times. It's not reassurance. It's attention I want. Your attention. And you get mine in return. Girls love that don't they? To be the center of a boy's universe?

"Prepare for the 4 a.m. wake-up call. His days start at the gym at 4 a.m., breakfast at 5 a.m. and meetings with billionaires and millionaires at 6 a.m. No wonder this guy's got so much hustle — it's a 24/7 grind."

Prepare for the 4 a.m. "let's go again!" And the 5 a.m. "let's go again!!" And the 6 a.m. "play hookie, Jana! Stay with me!" No billionaire is worth missing five seconds with you. 

Time. Is. Love.

"His career is always #1. If you want to date a guy like this, you've got to be okay with being second. And truthfully? I'm totally fine with that."

My career is designed to allow true love to arrive whenever I meet her and the real world can do what it does. She will be my number 1-the end.

"1. Do your research

The key to unlocking a Mr. Big? His ego. I quoted something he said on a podcast, and he literally stopped mid-sentence and said, "Wow, here I am with a pretty woman quoting something I said back to me. Gotta love that!" Boom. That's all it took. Men like him love to be admired for their knowledge, so do a little homework, stroke his ego and watch him melt."

I agree with that one.

2. Look feminine, be feminine

Mr. Big-types love their women to seem submissive (keyword: seem). These men are like cavemen, and they like to provide. Let him sit in his masculine by letting yourself lean into your feminine side. Wear perfume, do your hair and makeup just right, and let him lead the conversation. Trust me, it's like flipping a switch.

No no no no no no. TOMBOY. TOMBOY Jana. TOMBOYS ARE FUCKING HOT. I am sorry but submissive and perfumed and hair and makeup done and all that SUCKS. Really sucks. "THE GIRL NEXT DOOR."

"The girl next door" is the all time hottest look you can own.

Gym shorts t-shirt no makeup and you! lead the conversation and kick ass! Please. Mr. and Mrs. Smith. That's a good relationship. Two aces. Two killers. Two warriors. The best girl and the best boy. A team.

This Wolverine wants his Rogue.

"3. Let him shine

Ask him about his work, his accomplishments, his latest big deal. Mr. Big-types take immense pride in what they achieve. When you show genuine interest in his successes — and, yes, express some admiration — his confidence goes through the roof. And guess what? That makes him even more attracted to you."

I agree.

"Now I get why Carrie spent all those seasons whipped into a tizzy over a man like this. Once you've experienced a Mr. Big, it's hard to settle for anything else. So while you may have thought your ideal man was a sweet, sensitive artist or the charming, steady type, you might just find that what you really crave is a little more Big in your life. And trust me, once you've tasted that kind of power, nothing else compares. Damn it."

Why are you in a frenzy over someone who doesn't give a fuck about you? Don't you want to be loved? Deeply loved and admired and appreciated and adored? 

Don't you want to be adored, Jana?

DON'T YOU WANT YOUR LOVER TO BE YOUR BEST FRIEND?

I do.

And you get all that Mr. Big stuff with me too. I am the biggest fucking Mr. Big that's ever been.

-Congressman Wolf Alexander