Beauty is in the Happiness of Now


Here's my essential flirtation problem. By explaining it I'm hoping to make it go away.

When I hear, or otherwise observe you without looking at directly at you, I appreciate you the whole person.

But when I look at you directly, I am forced to make The essential human decision:

Do you look, attractive. Specifically are you "pretty"?

PRETTY IS HAPPY. 

Happy in the now. You are pretty to me when you are happy in the moment. 

The moment I choose to really look at you, you might not be happy. So if I see you and it's not a good moment, I will make the lousy, split second, uncontrollable judgement you're not pretty.

And that's not true. You are pretty. You're just not feeling a lust for life at the exact moment I opine, in my head, on your attractiveness.

You do it too. When I look at you directly you do the same. You judge me too. 

I am not adept (yet?) at being coy with my reaction. The second I really see you,  I give my opinion away.

Which if it's good opinion no problem.
 
But if it's not good, you can tell. You don't like being rejected any more than I do. You see a rejection I don't want to show you.

Then you don't like me. If you did like me you changed your mind based on my (horrible) opinion.

I don't enjoy doing that to you. I hate that every time I talk to someone I am initially not attracted to she knows I feel that way. That hurts her feelings. I hate doing that.

So to avoid hurting your, feelings, and to avoid getting mine hurt too, I might not ever look at you. And that's bad. I gotta stop doing that.

I hear, your sexy voice. And I want to talk to you very much. But I am afraid when I look at you I will be momentarily disappointed. I am afraid you'll see that. Seeing that will upset you. And at that point, you will shoot me down.

We'll both leave the awkward conversation unhappy for being rejected.

I don't want that. I don't like feeling like that. And I don't want you to feel like that.

FOR EXAMPLE: At the burlesque show, JJ and I made close quarters eye contact when I wasn't in a good mood. I was trying to get fives for my fifties at the bar and they didn't have them and I was frustrated. And right then I saw her next to me. "Not pretty enough" was what my dumbass brain spat out.

Later when she got up on stage and killed it as MC, I was so into her. She's married so this was all a moot point. What is important is: JJ is pretty. She's gorgeous. So what the fuck was I thinking?

I couldn't help it. Pretending she was single: the moment we met wasn't good. She didn't want me. I didn't want her. But I ended up wanting her. When I saw her shine I wanted her. 

*****

My passive aggressive approach ain't cutting it. Hot sounding and seeming spitfires see me, all day, being a super hero and yet you're not approaching me. 

Well you might be approaching me -- putting yourself within flirting distance of me deliberately like maybe this girl in the lounge downstairs did last night -- but you're not opening the conversation.

I wonder if you have the same fear? You want to talk to me, but I am so hot you, don't wanna get shot down. Which I won't do.

I assume(d) that once I am famous you will beat down the door to get to me, ignoring all fears. But it's taking too long. 

I want you now.

I may have to switch to active flirtation. 

Being "that guy" looks good on TV but as a reforming introvert, it's an uncomfortable persona. The mindset of a player is "I am the best. I can get you to like me."

I feel that way right now. That's my real opinion. I am the best, boy. Almost everything I share has some element of "I am the man among men."

But the "cold call" sales aspect of making you like me in person, by being good at flirting, seems sleezy. 

It's probably not. I am probably over thinking it. But this is my current hangup.

I really, want you. Now. But you're not making the first move.

*****

I will go first, I guess.

And yet... I still love, the feeling, of being hit on by an aggressive girl. Nothing turns me on more than that. 

See, I can operate at a level 10,000. Amps of sexual energy. When you hit on me, you have given me permission to be all I can be. You told me you want me so I can give you my whole personality.

When I hit on you I feel forced to start at level 1. I feel forced to be calm. I feel like I am walking on sea shells. 

You will love my level 10,000. I want to show you that amount of enthusiasm.

*****

"I am not afraid of being awkward. I am not afraid of being awkward. I am not afraid of being awkward."

Do you know how many girls have gone to my website or social media and gone "ew!"? A lot. 

I am not afraid of that reaction from afar. Sometimes it's funny thinking about it. I am a shock writer. I'd rather administer a good shock than a bad one, but I can only control what I put out, not how you take it.

So if I am not afraid of you reading this and going "ew!", why am I afraid of it in person?

I shouldn't be. That's a philosophical inconsistency. 

If I don't mind being "a bad boy" on paper and in front of the camera I shouldn't mind being one in person.

FIXING IT AS I TYPE.




Popular posts from this blog

The Best Platform for Political Office Ever

Image
1. THE DESTRUCTION OF THE TWO PARTY SYSTEM and replacing it with no system at all. Just people. Independent, non partisan people, running for office under their name, and behind their ideas. 2. DIRECT DEMOCRACY: "I am therefore I vote". About EVERYTHING. Congress and the President will listen to you. Everyone votes about everything they want to vote about and that will be added up. Eventually those votes will have the power of law. For the near future you will practice caring about your country and what your government is doing and you will have a say. Power. Real power to do more than vote for a different asshole every few years. Online banking is free from mass theft. So voting by phone can be too. The Super-Rich trust an electronic system to tabulate their inheritance numbers. Therefore a fraud free platform for direct democracy can be built.  3. PRO-CHOICE TILL THE DAY THEY DIE: they are the pro-life bastards whose day has come and now they will go. Girls how about female...
Hear more »

Secret Diplomatic Mission

Image
Well now... sounds like you like racing. Okay. The story. So I went to do standup comedy at The Southern Theater. I had already seen an improv-standup show two weeks ago. Met Chris who'll you'll hear more about and the supersexygirl working the bar. As you are too, fyi. So I went back to their open-mic last night. Was 14th. As the warm up done by Chris and his "toady" was wrapping up, a couple came in. It was crowded. I had the best table in the house. And was sitting at it like Denzel did in American Gangster.  It was a triple person table. I had no date (yet but the idea was a girl could slide on in to talk to me easily.) Plus the view. Of the door for girls and threats. And the stage. The couple couldn't find seats so Chris asked me if I would move to the comics area because, and I quote: "this booth is for patrons." Well I grudgingly scooted towards the booth exit while arguing with him about it a tad. Then the girl of the couple, as she sat down wit...
Hear more »